My Friend,

 

I'd like to tell you that I understand

but I don't.

I'd like to tell you I can imagine it

but I can't.

I'd even like to tell you that everything will be ok

but I won't.

Because I don't know that.

 

Unlike "The Sound and the Fury," our future cannot be defined as our present and our present is not our past.

Our present is now and it sucks.

That, I do understand.

Our present is painful and messy and hard. 

That, I can imagine.

And your present is harder than your entire past.

That, I do know. 

 

I know that you don't want my pity, but I have no pity to give you.

You do not deserve pity.

You deserve admiration.

You are so strong. The strongest girl I have ever met.

I wish more than anything I could tell you that.

You are a force for good. You shape the world around you with a light that shines from within you.

I wish more than anything I could show you that.

 

I wish I could be a mirror so that I may reflect your light,

your strength,

your fierce determination.

 

I wish I could tell you her will is enough.

That she will live because of the iron grit she passed on to you.

I wish I could tell you this is only a bump in the road,

that soon these moments of fear will become fond memories 

to take out and watch on rainy days.

 

I wish I could tell you it wasn't stage IV.

 

I wish I could tell you the doctors were lying.

I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you all about the sick joke.

I wish I could laugh with your mother as she takes out the chemo port that was really only a fake plastic piece.

 

But I don't 

because I can't

and I won't

because it's not true.

 

I'm sorry is all I can say.

I'm sorry is all I can do.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

All I can do is be here with you

through all these ugly moments.

Through your tears, both happy and sad.

Through your pain, your struggle.

Through you strained smiles around your mother

as you try to be brave. Becuase you are brave.

 

All I can do is try to be what you need, whatever that may be.

A shoulder, an ear, a car ride, or just a friend.

A normal friend, living a normal life, who laughs and jokes and complains about all the trivial things.

If that's what you need I'll be it.

 

I can,

I will,

and I do.

Because I love you. 

 

Eloise