I have waited so long for this.

some would say years

I say a lifetime

I hold the vial in my hands, admire the glass

the heat of my palm dissipates the cold of the bottle

I almost feel bad

the vial is small

maybe half my index finger

holds 200 mg of store-bought masculinity

maybe $40

c27h40o3

the molecular structure of my joy

I waited a lifetime for this

my lifeblood, my safety, my happiness

all that & more condensed in a tiny bottle

who knew that I would go through so much for this?

who knew what I would give up for this?

I had a dream the other night:

I no longer had to wait; it was all right in front of me

right there right there right there right

I woke up to the sight of a familiar stranger’s face in the mirror

and I was too exhausted to cry.