I give it all away to feel that way again. I go to bed every night with a knot in my stomach that doesn’t dissipate. I wonder when the pain will end. Do I really love life or does death love me more. I miss the way it was before. I take the pills and the xanny at the same time, just to get a peace of mind. Sometimes I feel so blind to all that was left behind. I ask myself, will I ever be okay, will there ever even be a day, that my head doesn’t replay. I beg, I cry, I plead, I lie. “I’m okay, I’m fine” when really I’m dead inside. Feel like I might go insane but it’s okay I got the liquor for all my pain. This sickness is inside my brain. I’m sitting in the rain. Why did I spend a lifetime just thinking of the past time? So I sit here hoping this struggle isn’t just another waste of my restless mind. I miss you more and more everyday, I don’t know why but I keep trying in the worst way but I know it’ll all come back to love someday