I keep dreaming that you aren’t dead

I suppose it must mean something

It wouldn’t be reoccurring if it weren’t important

But why would my dreams be taunting me so

With this trickster prevalence

It was charming the first time

But now it’s just miserable 

Knowing when I wake up

All will be the same

For better or worse

My dreaming could be telling me the all to cliché and obvious

"His spirit lives on!"

But that doesn’t seem to be it

I’ve always believed in ghosts

And you pop up in my mind organically

You are americana and movies and PBR

How could you disappear?

But evidently my subconscious does not want me to forget you in the slightest

You would tell such stories of your childhood

And try to reason why mine wasn’t as golden

But you did your darnedest to make it so

You’d listen to my stories as if they were the greatest in the world

I think that’s why I latched onto the Scorpio Cynic

He reminds me of your passion

But you’re more sweet and tragic than he could ever attempt to be

But you made her life so gold-leafed

You were so funny in how you joked with her

It gave me a clue to what love should be

You were a more participatory patriarch

That was nice

You were americana but not testosterone poisoned

I never got the vibe from you that I couldn’t be like the little boys you reminisced of

And I could be however I wanted 

You wished to see my transformations

But I’ve grown more since you left than I have ever done before

But now 

Due to your state

I don’t doubt that you had a hand in it

You’re the star-keeper after all

And I don’t doubt that you’re the one pushing me towards the bright lights

And big city

You’re making this possible

But I wish you were here

That should be all more than obvious

Especially due to this silly dreaming

They’re just in my head

Though that’s fallacy since they sprout from my red-orange heart

You were like the Soliloquy for me

Only better

Less patronizing and more up for it

You see things now

You perceive my failures and dumb decisions

But I feel like you’re shrugging them off sweetly

Girls will be girls

You gave me strength to cry in the spotlight

And wriggle that message into her heart

She seems motivated to endure

And you’ve got to keep helping me insure that

Now I have friends to tell adventures about

And though differing greatly in tone

I will do what you did for me

And paint another’s youth golden with my passions and remembrances

If you want to be in my dreams again

That’d be nice

But if not

That’s alright since I understand resolution

And death is a hard mystery

Especially yours

Rawer than any others I’ve known

But that might be because I’m older

They will only get worse from here on out

And my acceptance phase is apparently getting snagged

But I can conjure your memory still

Your voice still is in my head

Not just tiny snippets like the others

You know just how things are for me

And I really shouldn’t be bothered

But if you’re a ghost

You can materialize for real

That’s it though

And I never thought

You are polonius

And I ophelia

And your death is willow-green still

Unlike the others that are autumnal leaves 

I’ve become familiar enough with those to delight in the beauty

This is still a fresh wound that keeps re-opening

And it’s making me longwinded

But you never minded that before

I hope you don’t mind it now

And I know you know

I love you

Blood isn’t thicker than water

Kindness is