Dear mom,

If I had the chance I would have told you everything, but I don’t think you would listen.

When I tell you about the way I see the sun in a deep poetic setting you laugh and say i'm stupid,

When I actully really love poetry and want to be good at it someday.

You tell me if I ever want or need to talk that I can come to you.

How do I when your door is always closed and I know nothing about you?

You don't tell me stories about you when you were my age and you constantly remind me that I was an unplanned mistake.

 

Did you ever even want me, because I don’t think a mother would shut out her daughter at night when she had nightmares of her drunken father.

You didn’t want me to bug you or ask you for anything becuase the question you would always ask back is “what did you do to deserve it?”

Putting it my mind at only 4 that I deserved nothing.

 

Mom, you don’t defend me. When people lash out or make fun of me you’d chime in as if I was nothing more than a punching bag.

When I got interested into sports you doubted me from the start,

Comparing me to other girls and other people's daughters in general expressing how I wasn’t enough.

You got annoyed when I would fail state test, so to punish me you took me out of recess,

It was then I lost all my friends and instead I learned to hate school because you forced me to believe I’d never succeed in it.

 

Mom! You didn’t see that I slowly started to hate myself.

I would have to use my creative side and find new fun things on the playground and invent new games so I wouldn’t be left out.

I got in a lot more trouble and started to run my mouth in fear my voice would never be heard.

When I got older you knew I’d understand what I you said when I was around,

It was then mom when you became the moon.

You’d smile and shine when other people were around be a perfect mother that everyone loved,

But when it was a car ride home or late at night, you went cold and dark like the icy side.

You would’ve loved to have anyone but me.

 

Times changed and no boys were ever around me.

You asked me if I had been asked out, I said no and you laughed in my face saying no one would want me anyway.

I despised the way I looked and thought my personality was awful,

These thoughts came from the source of you.

 

I started to lose friends from the clicks and groups.

I already didn’t have a family so I didn’t know what to do.

I picked up personal hobbies that you trashed and said were useless and a waste of time.

Mom, you were suppose to tell me to never give up but you pushed me more and more until I did.

In high school I was done knowing you and dad got worse and didn’t care how my day went.

I’d talk to you about my day what happened in class, but never talk about myself you saw my smile and that I still tried hard in everything I did.

Mom you never heard my weeping cries.

For all the lies you told me were buried deep inside.

I couldn’t express them or talk them out I had no one,

And too many feelings I wanted a way out.

Bleeding helped. I knew I was being punished for all the things I couldn’t be for you.

 

Mom I tried I lived in your  lies and I ended up spiralling.

Pushing everyone out,

Hurting myself and wanting to go to hell.

 

Mom it wasn’t you who found out you didn’t noticed, my own brother did.

He saw my wrist and pain and wanted to help.

He confronted you and you made me talk and spit it out but never truly listened to what I said.

I told you my reasonings and feelings that I felt, I explained it in detail and my brother cared I could see it but all you saw was a lie.

I realized then my voice was not heard.

 

For my mother knows best you asked me if I wanted to die.

I decided to give you what you wanted, another lie so I said no as my brother looked confused you already diagnosed the issue.

Mom you assumed and said I did this for attention that I had no real problems so I made myself one.

I screamed and cried at night but just like when I was a baby you but headphones in and erased it from your mind.

Mom you don’t know my life or my stories because  your life is a “play” and you never gave me a line.

We don’t have a connection becuase everytime I call you, you disconnect it.

 

Mom, my problems aren’t yours to keep or say if they are valid.

Mom you gave me this life but you obviously didn’t care that I didn’t want it.

I am not your doll that you can carry around and brag about all day but then just throw it in your toy box after a long day.

I am not an item for you to claim as yours when I do something you can actually be proud of.

Mom you say you love me, but the tone you use is unconvincing.

 

You teased me when I was young that I was adopted,

You would always say “you are just not like us”

I had tanned colored skin and natural curly hair like no one in the family.

This gave me hope mom,

I actually hoped that maybe I had a real mother out there that would save me from this fake one.