I can't work out why it didn't work today, yesterday, or the year

before.

Try as I might to make things happen exhaustion often intervenes.

Many an idea come my way, buildings, new business, space, and 

growth are all what I desire of you.

Yet despite this positivity something internal just isn't quite right.

Over time my cheery disposition has worn down to something

old and blue.

The amount of times I've brushed myself off is 

really not new.

I dread to see what could be lurking inside, something painful,

twisted, and uncharacteristic of you.

Yet if I'm to grow, spiritually, then this must become a priority.

The time when I have been there before have totally shook

me to the core.

Facing up to the ridicule and hardships of the past seems to 

be the reason things never seem to last. 

Oh pity why do I think so much, epecially when I go to bed.

Self-blame and self sabotage are my favourite friends when the 

sky is dark and all is dull instead.

This anger that shoots my body only serves the fuel.

That I can't switch off at night makes me think I'm a crazy 

fool.

I toss & turn like a lightning bolt oft leading to utter despair.

Oh why oh why do I feel this way, I really can't bear.

The fact that its played out in my mind make me feel like

I've got nowhere.

Constantly struggling to appear normal wears me out on a 

beautiful day.

Locked inside this fortress of my mind sways me away

from external bliss.

The things i've wanted all my life are now an illusory twist.

Soon I look forward to become old and grey knowing that soon 

all will be done. 

Yet here I am at the half-way point considering to pick up a gun.

Do I think this madenss will come to an end, I really am

not so sure. 

Going to the darkness, one more time will surely settle the score.

There I am all over the place, part of me here and there.

Its going to take some time to pick up the pieces. Do you really

care?

I know no journey than going it alone, its all I've ever known.

The branch of the tree where I come from is routed in solid grey.

I can't to seem break these heavy shackles, away.

Eternal madness is all I've ever known, is something I'll continue

to do. 

Until the day the tree surgeon comes and chops with

a heavenly blow. 

When this happens I shall be free to love, & live, and 

dream a new.