You

Some nights I just wish

You would come over to my house,
Serenade me,
Apologise and ask to be mine again.
 
And other nights
You're dead to me.
I curse the very air you breathe,
I wish for the ground beneath you
To crumble.
 
The same way you left my heart;
Smashed and torn and bleeding out.
 
But most nights God
I just crave your presence.
I want your arms around me,
Your lips against mine,
So soft and tender.
You.
I just fucking want you.
 
But you don't.
You don't care,
You don't want me.
You just want the latest trend.
You want the newest girl on the scene;
The shiny new toy.
 
And then you get bored, 
You criticise and anger
At her every flaw.
You finally see in her 
what you are. 
 
Vulnerable.
Scared.
Alone.
 
For every heart you shatter,
You have three more waiting.
Waiting....
Waiting to be filled with hope and joy,
To be built up 
Just so you can let them down. 
Just so you can reap what you sow,
Take back the power someone 
Took from you.
You take your pain out on
A willing victim,
So willing....
And I was one of them.
 
I was such a sucker for your love.
Fell to your knees,
At your beck and call. 
You told me all the right things
And I believed you!
I let my walls down,
My Great Wall, 
Turned to dust at the sight of you. 
I opened up like a book,
Let you see the parts of me 
My family has never even seen.
You brought out the real me,
And I let you.
I let you in and I let you carve 
Your mark into me.
I let you leave your imprint,
And I never thought twice. 
I loved you like I promised I'd never
Love someone.
 
I've seen the messes love makes.
And yet I still gave in to you.
Told myself; "this one's different. She won't do that. She truly thinks you're something else, don't throw it away."
But my nagging doubts were right, 
 
And now I sing along to our songs each night 
As I take another drag,
Take another hit,
Another drink,
Another drag,
Hit,
Drink,
Drag.... 
 
I got fucked up over your love.
I went 3 years sober and you
Left me crash landing
On Relapse Island.
 
But you helped me learn my lesson.
You helped me find my new self.
You helped me find my power
And my voice.
Never have I been so patient,
So understanding,
So empathetic.
 
You helped me find that and I 
Couldn't thank you enough for that.
 
But don't flatter yourself,
You're still a terrible,
Impulsive, problematic, manipulative 
Person who needs to find herself,
Love herself.
Before she goes crawling to her next kill.
Or back to one of her carcasses.
 
You've helped others come to their senses,
But have you even come to yours?
 
This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

NancyC

I really loved your poem!!!!   I have been there myself and I didn't know if I would even be able to go on....  The heart break was just too much!!  I akso have found my voice again, but in took forever.

Thank you so much for sharing your poem!!   I so relate. 

 

P.S.  I love the part where you find yourself again!!!!

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