Who am I now?(explicit)

No one ever tells you wha.          The aftermath of the love lost The Freefall and New World.The preconceived The whole idea; No one tells you how to deal with Death.No one ever shares with you, the weight of grief.No one teaches you how to slow dance with the fire that tears you piece by piece from the very existence you've only, ever known. No one teaches you how to dance, I'm still learning how to dance, how to share the life force running through my soul.I don't know how I find comfort in the light or how to fall into the rhythm, without resistance.They demand these things in whispered screams.The fiercely beautiful flames burning against me,Reminds me, to breathe. No one reminds you to breathe. The last few weeks have proved to be the most confronting since the December our mother left us.Suddenly I can't sleep again.Just don't put the fucking pen down. I have been vulnerable and defenceless. Mindlessly wandering, so incredibly sad, lost and conflicted.You won't ever hear me say that out loud again.I have come to realise. I apologise, to the ones who stood by my side every moment I was torn open.I can not thank you enough for all that you have done.For holding my suicide gently with love whilst I relentlessly attempted to pump the pain Out of my veins by painting my blood.If not for your tones of grey, I wouldn't be able to say, I'm grateful for you each and every new day.Three years straight, tearing my own heart out.My Mother, My Brother, My Niece, My Best friend, My Dad (1 of)Brought the fucking house down.Right out of Left field, I wish we were all in a better place then.I hope you are in a better place now.You know: That home run you sent from heaven was one in a million.I hope You and Mum find some peace now.There's been moments, my own siblings pulled me in just to blow them,I'd call them back just to show them I could choke them. But! that's love after heartbreak, when death spits in your face, No superman swoops in and washes your nightmares away, dependence on something is the only time you can placate to a world moving on Screaming right In Your face!I was handed new grief; its such a sweet little note,  "You're never to return to the only home you've ever known"  but sweetheart' you can keep all of your memories.I couldn't wish this upon the demons, that don't let you sleep, on the streets where the signs barely read ‘Old world:---™ Over.Bright lights flash its safe now to breathe. Dear condolence, go fuck yourself. What does that even mean?How does one breathe?It's Like ripping your teeth out to keep your gums clean.3 years I spent dragging my feet down those back streets and I guess now I'm just bleeding out.The only place I the only way I could escape the pain was inside the place I could not escape.#WasSo here's my shout out.My peers, acquaintances and so call friends or better than if you are offended, my apologies (for the few I don't really know and for any of you who find my truth close to home.) Maybe you know me a little or we share a mutual somebody but this part is for the ones who shared in my glory days, called me on weekends coz they needed a somebody or fake date, to lick suck and sip vodka Shots off my t##$ For you, here's a piece of my mind, come suck my d#©k!This year I started a new life. For years I was hooked on the likes of muse-like trash talking, shit-kicking big dicked little minds. My last note to all those I'm leaving behind tonight.Ask yourself, did you ask yourself or anyone or even wonder, where was I?That's right.I was told first hand the words between those "friends of mine"Judged a big shot drug dealer, wielding guns, while my dick was getting bitch slapped by different sluts. (I was the only one on my knees) they said my girlfriend was reckless and feeding me to the extremes, while we fought fucked and pushed drugs onto kids on the streets and if I remember correctly the story reads: we abused her kids with wild lifestyles so fried on ICE we forgot we even had kids we needed to feed. (Feel free to double check that with dcp)Most I knew turned their backs. Wow! What a world we share now. You cunts should be proud you’ll one day own the ‘Rights to suicide which you can light to burn the whole fucking world down, any piss poor excuses to turn your back on things you don't understand. Ignorance is bliss and easier yes! Like putting the pipe down and picking up the pen, here's just a little of what I needed to get off my chest.My wife’ saved my life, your right I guess she had to do drugs. I put her through hell while she soldiered me through 18 solid months of silenced love.I guess I used enough for the both of us.For your unconditional love, I thank you.       

This poem is about: 
My family
My community
My country
Our world


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741