Dear Cooper,

Your eyes whispered that you knew how I felt, but your lips stay shut as you turn and leave the room. I open my mouth to scream, but nothing comes out but a muffled cry. Come back I beg of you, and  then in that moment I realized that nothing I say or do will make you come back. I break as I slid to the ground feeling utterly alone; I pull my legs up into my chest, and the tears start flowing like a river. I try to hide when maria walks in! She is asking if we talked, when i told her we did she asks what you said to me. I simply tell her you moved on with your life. She gives me a look and simply tells me that you never loved me, that you love someone else. Not only has my head dropped into my hands, but my heart has dropped onto the ground and is shattering like a glass bowl thrown on the hard cold ground. Where are you now? I remember you said just call and you'll come running, but for once I don't want you here, I don't call your name. I can barely whisper it. I don't want you to see how much I am hurting. I suck it up for the day, walk around ignore everyone and everything, until I get to my room, I turn on the shower and close my door, turn on my music and blare it for the world to hear. then and only then did I truly break. I curled up into a bawl and cried as my tears mixed silently into the water running down my body. This is here, and this is now, what happened to you never leaving? What happened to every broken promise you made to me? What happened to you? What did  I do? No one is here telling me that it is going to be okay. Because they all know that it won't be. I remember you told my I deserve better than this, crying all alone in the bathroom by myself drowning my sorrows from the world with the music I hide behind.  You always said I deserved better, then why would you not be that better for me? You had the chance but now it's too late. I have been engulfed in my music and everything around me continues without me noticing. I walk around and it all feels like a dream, everything is blurred together. I am not angel I am a demon, that has no way out of this darkness surrounding me.  I get told to love others as I love myself, how can I love someone if I can't love myself? Far in the distance I hear someone calling my name, I can hear them, I continue walking the opposite way. I hear them running for me, I stop and wait but no one comes. When will someone understand all I want right now is to be held and told everything is going to be okay and one day I will feel, safe, at peace, loved, and comforted? I don't see it.  Are we too young? It sucks falling in love with someone, getting attached, getting used to them “always” being there. The pain of heartbreak is more overwhelming then the feeling of “love” itself. It's fun when everything is all fun when everything is all good, but one it goes away you question yourself on weather or not it was fucking worth it.! I don't think I can feel okay without you, so until I don't have to, I will be in the back of the room, with my hood up, and my ear buds in. blind to the world surrounding me. right now I am the music drifting away in the wind. One day you will hear a tune and be reminded of me and realize what a mistake you made leaving me here alone. You told it wasn't going to be okay for awhile, and you were right nothing right now is okay. Everything I loved is burning right in front of me while I am screaming helplessly from the side lines. No one can hear me, and nobody wants to hear a small child tell them her sorrows. All I want is for this to end, but that isn't happening anytime soon. I will cry alone, and continue to be “happy” on the outside and show people that nothing is wrong, because that's what they want to believe. I'm fine is equivalent to save me, but no adult knows that. Everyone wants to believe that kids are all okay and that they will all be able to stay perfectly open to the idea that the world is a wonderful place and that nothing ever bad happens. But thats all bull shit.  The world is filled with bad things. The world is filled with people who don’t know right from wrong and choose to be bad people. You are one of those people.

Forever & Always,

Bailey Mudryk