when I practice release.

Reality is nothing but a nightmare, I'm doing all I can to escape it.
I'm not trying to be negative, but life is rough, personally I hate it.
I wasn't always this way. I used to smile a lot more. Things used to be a lot easier. I used to have faith and I once desired things more. The minute my day starts, from the second I open my eyes, I think about the moment I can climb back under the mountain of covers, lock my door and just hide. Each day gets a little harder, my job is so straining. I have to fight to find the energy, lately everything is so draining. The pain it puts me in just to force a smile on my face, to try to communicate with these people day after day feels like such a waste. 
Some days I leave my house and I forget how to breathe. I enter a room full of people and each set of eyes becomes a dark and hungry sea. The waves are crashing down me, they always pull me under. The crowd does nothing but drown me, I'm sinking and nobody sees. They try to hold a conversation, and to everything I respond. I make jokes, I tell stories, but deep down I want to choke. My eyes glaze over, I can't process what they want to say. They're trying to communicate but I can't focus, I so feel lost..what did they just say? Ive already forgot..They think that I am listening but my brain is hardly functioning, And I wish the ringing would finally stop. I haven't heard a thing, the voices only grow louder, they make my ears want to bleed. Oh how they ring and ring, and ring and ring...it's never ending. I am tired. I'm worn out. I've only been out of my bed for an hour. Sadly time means absolutely nothing when social anxiety holds all of the power. 
It's why I do what I do, it's why I once drank too much. I need to fill the holes somehow, with everything and anything, hoping it works. Searching for some kind of luck. Any distraction to heal the hurt.For instance, love; a topic on which I should really touch base. I promise, it's not you, it's me. As a matter of fact, it is the entire human race.
Men try, oh do they try, but I usually end up being nothing but a body. It's okay because it's my fault. I have trust issues and won't let anyone see inside me. They get close enough to see the sides I decide to show .but then I turn and run away, I let everyone that wants to love me, go. I just can't be bothered. Love has always been to much, It’s not an emotion I ever held close. Love is something I could never comprehend. Why should I bother when my life is slowly coming to an end. Men are one in the same. Over them I somehow hold so much power. They all say it's in my eyes, they are captivating. They tell me these eyes could steal a soul, but I am no fool. I hear the same old lines, and they have all grown rotten, bitter, and old. My heart is cold but it is okay, I don't expect anything more..i can't help but be reminded each time a hand touches me, that I am nothing but a whore. It's always ended the same, I'm not a good woman, I am crazy, I have problems, I'm a liar, I need help. Ever since I was little I felt worthless, like a cheap dirty Barbie stuck up high on a shelf. I was only touched when it was convenient. I will never understand a man, because I've witnessed one cause the destruction of a child. I have seen and felt it up close. I have been touched to the point where I have felt more empty than any ghost. I have walked through life holding a secret that was far to heavy for me. Even when I tried to speak about it, the baggage never lightened up. In fact, walking became more of a struggle, a fight, I'll never be strong enough. Reality is nothing but a nightmare. I try and I try to escape it all, but I can't and it's not fair. 
I can't remember a time where my vision was very clear, I've been broken, I've been down, I've been trying forever to disappear. 
I bet you thought you knew me, or at least maybe half of my pain, but this isn't even the half of it, there are things I'll never have strength to explain. I am a fool, I am losing life's game.I am guilty of giving up, the future will never know my name. 

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