You asked me if i was okay
And I said “im fine.”
I gave you a smile but the minute you turned around
I closed my eyes.
You might ask me why I did this,
You probably want to know why I never tell you what's going on.
I just don’t know how to explain it to you.
How do I put these feelings into words?
How do i make sense out of something so complex?
How do i tell you about this anxiety.
This creature that's living inside of me.
That crawls through my stomach twisting me into knotts.
Everybody tells me to just breath,
Like something as simple as air can cure this disease.
If it was that easy don’t you think i'd be fine by now?
It's easy for you to say.
Because what you don't understand is that i can't.
I cant breath,
its like all the air has been sucked out of me.
My body shudders with fear that doesn't exist.
My stomach jolts and flips.
And all you can do is tell me to breath,
Because you can't feel the turmoil inside of me.
I could never explain my depression to you.
Could never help you understand the depth of this pain.
How all my thoughts are twisted and dark.
How joy feels like a delusion,
Something to good to wish for.
You keep asking why im so tired, why I never leave my room.
My spirit is broken, my demons invading my soul.
I barely have the energy to lift my head from my pillow.
It feels like someone sucked the life right out of me.
Leaving me hollow and empty.
I'm now a shell of something that was once living.
If I were to try and explain it to you,
It feels like im drowning.
Gasping for air but my lungs fill with water instead
Trying to stay afloat but im still going under.
I don't want to swim, i want to be saved.
I'm tired of trying to find dry land,
Because this isn't living, this is copping
This is surviving.
This is trying to stay afloat, but running out of hope
Till it seems the easiest way out is to drown.
My body aching from the effort of swimming,
My heart sinking,
I'm slowly slipping under the waves.
Because i don't want to swim i want to be saved.
But nobodys going to save me.
Anxiety and depression might just be words to you
But there my reality.
Something i battle everyday.
Something I fight to keep at bay.
You always ask me whats wrong
But you'd never understand
And I could never do this pain justice.
So if you ask me if im okay and i say i'm fine,
You’ll never really know what it feels like,
And i wouldint want you to.
I wouldn't wish this pain upon anyone.