I never thought I’d be alive for my High School Graduation

Day after horrendous day

The pain grew worst

The black hole was stretching its reach to me and I was being swallowed whole

Every cry for help

Was masked with humor 

And seen as a quick wit

I spent years keeping it all in

Cause how can you tell?

You don’t want to be a burden

You don’t want to worry anyone

You just want your pain to end

All the while

I was crumbling

I was broken inside and

I will never forget

The cloudy Sunday night

In the middle of March

When it felt like the sky was my own personal burden to carry

It felt like my life was shattering before my eyes

And I had a front row seat to watch the destruction

I’ll never forget writing how sorry I was

Writing my goodbyes

Writing how this was what was best for me

And then walking across the hall to the gun safe

The key was still in and it was ajar

This was it

One small action

All the pain

All the tears

All the awful that had plagued me day after day would just

End

My vision was blurred with the tears

And I realized I had no idea 

how to load a gun

I felt like a failure more than ever

I went to sleep with defeat on my mind

And no hope for the future

I stayed around for another day

Because I was tired

And because I didn’t know what else to do

My life became a battleground

Where I was fighting for my life

Day after day

Only to realize 

The enemy I was fighting so hard against

Was the person

I looked at every day in the mirror

I stuck around

But never told

Because how can you tell

the only people who still believe in you

that you don’t even believe in you?

Everything in my life

Felt so rushed

College

Friends

Family

Everything and Everyone

Was going at 100 miles a minute

And I didn’t know what to do

I felt so worn down

Like I had grown up

Before I was ready

My childhood was over

Because what kid

Wanted nothing more 

Than to die?

My childhood was over

And I didn’t want to see what came next

I finally told my mom 

That I never thought

I would make it to my High School graduation

She told me we’d figure it out

And I began getting help

My childhood may have ended

But my life hadn’t

And I’m still trying to put it back together

I stay for each new day

For each new glimpse 

Of happiness

As small as it may be

I learned that life 

Shouldn’t be lived in the darkness

I learned that reaching out for help

Is not a sign of weakness

And I’m trying to focus on the positive.

I had aimed my life at destruction

But now,

I’m aiming it at happiness

Because what else matters really?