I live in a house that does not feel like a home.
Warmth, kind words, soothing voices, and patience
Do not find their way past the walls and doors of the rooms that separate us.
My mind controls me.
The anxiety that runs through my veins,
The self doubt that takes over my mind,
And the fear that succeeds in dictating my life on my worst days
Stops me from finding a sanctuary within myself.
I no longer have trust in myself.
I no longer have love for myself.
The warmth in our interlocked hands,
The love you have in your eyes when you gaze at me,
And the laughter we fill in the surrounding air is my home.
You are my home.
Your constant encouragement to communicate with you,
To speak about what I believe in
When my mind has wrapped chains around my throat
Causes me to fight my mind to regain myself.
When my fear causes an earthquake inside my body,
Making my heart beat out of my chest,
My breathing no longer stable,
My voice no longer steady,
And you take in my trembling hands into yours
I finally feel at ease again.
No darling, you have not fixed me.
Instead, you have held my hand throughout my journey of loving myself.
You have squeezed it when I have tried to distance myself from you.
You have traced your thumb over my knuckles when I no longer felt like myself.
You have supported me, placed trust within me.
You showed me what love is.
And darling even if we do not end up together in the end,
I will still support you,
Care for you,
Be there for you,
Because I love you.
But a part of me will still hope that it is you who I am with in the end.