“You’re not smiling much today, are you okay?”

A simple question that causes me breath to hitch,

To hitch ever so slightly that only I notice.  

“Of course I am fine”  I reply in the most obvious tone.

A smile here, little laugh there, and a funny story from work,

And it’s all back to normal.

 

Day in, Day out.  

Get up, go to school, see family, do homework,

Eventually as years go on,

Add clubs, sports, and honor societies into the mix,

Get a job too.  

People come and go.

But remember-

Always smile.  

Smile because I am that girl.

That one that always has a smile,

That knows how to make everyone be happy,

That goes with the flow,

The one that is always happy.  

 

But years have passed.  

People have come and gone,

Leaving shattered pieces of me in their wake,

Stepping on them as they walk away.

Scars litter the once unmarred skin.

But you must be happy.

I whisper it to myself over and over again.

That’s what they expect.

That’s what they want.  

 

How many days can one be expected to bottle up feelings?

How many times can one be expected to ignore what she wants,

Just because someone else wants a different thing?

 

There is a raging storm inside me.

A storm that never seems to end.  

One minute it is a inferno,

Blazing high,

Threatening to destroy everything if let out.

The next it is pounding waves,

That desperately try to send its waves

Cascading down my face.  

 

The storm is always changing.

I never know what to expect.

How can I possible explain this storm,

This unpredictable and dangerous storm,

To them when they all expect me just to smile and be happy?  

 

The glowing screen is always waiting,

Waiting and never judging.

It will let me fill it with these complicated storms,

And never runs out of room.

It never asks me why aren’t you smiling.

And when the storm finally seems bearable again,

It will hide that storm again with a simple click.

It will keep my secret and be ready for the next storm.