4:30 in the morning

Roaming around empty Chicagoan streets

I'm disappointed that such a bustling city is so lifeless

But I'm happy with the solace

The cold is biting

And I need to eat lest I freeze

So I go to a Subway, the only thing open

I perch with an egg and tomato sandwich and Pringles

I already feel fat in my skinny jeans

My computer is losing battery fast

And my mission is to find my cell-phone

Though I'm sure it'll prove futile

I'm going to give Deb a copy of my book

Despite all my better judgement

We're going to have a party today so I brought donuts

I donut donuts

My references are weird, but I'm glad I make them

I want to write a thing where I compare myself to Donnie

But that's both self-indulgent and self-deprecating

That, and no one would read it

I feel this egg sandwich making me sick

But I need sustenance

Since it's 5:24 AM

My back hurts

And it's -6 degrees outside

Tomorrow my mum and brother will come

I have to keep reminding myself

But I've spent nearly half the care-package I just received from them

Stuff is expensive here

And this is turning out to be less of a poem

And more of a list of thoughts

Though

Then again

That's what most of my poems are, anyways

I won't have egg sandwiches again

Even though I had a dream where I dated a girl

And she bought them for me

Okay, maybe then I'd eat them

But otherwise, no, I shan't

I don't understand this

Any of this

But no one said I needed to

And I doubt I ever will

Though some clarity would be nice

Since I grew so used to my 20/20 vision

Fuck, I'm going to throw up

It isn't the egg's fault

I'm still nauseous from Saturday

Which is pathetic, since it's Tuesday

I think I need to walk again

But it's negative six degrees

And my lips and teeth and eyes hurt

I ran into some drunks when I bought the donuts

They balked at me as if I were a threat

Maybe it's good that they think that

I'm perturbed at myself for scarfing that down so quickly

But there's three hours until class and the party

So as long as I don't chug my coffee

I hope I shan't throw up

I haven't yet despite a constant queasiness 

It's an emotional uneasiness manifesting itself in a visceral way

If I were really sick, I'd know it

I'm sitting across from a bank right now

They're projecting what looks like a hockey game

I can't wait for my family to get here

And the subsequent road trip heading back

I talked to Elliott yesterday

And I promise you

Even he's an angel compared to the likes of those here

And I'll spend time with him when I go back

Just how I'll spend time with nearly anyone who wants to spend time with me back home

Since I love my home

And the people it produces

Even the nastiest creature there looks Holy by comparison

I think I wrote 97 pages when I only needed to write 60

But I have 7 left for another class

I just have to pad and quote the hell out of it

Then everything'll be fine

Things are winding down

And I couldn't be happier

Simply couldn't be happier

Well not simply

Because this was supposed to be my dream come true

Yet the reality is I'm counting down hours until I can escape from it

Now to quote something else that applies

All my dreams came true. I just didn't think them through.

I feel like such a dumb-ass

Conflicted, too

Since I will miss people

And that makes me feel even more stupid

Like I'm wrong no matter what

And I'm giving up too soon

But I'll own up to my cowardice

If it brings me a slice of happiness-

It'll all be worth it and more

Since here, I am not happy

I feel selfish and low, but not happy

I know it's not productive

But it's venting

So I think I'll do this until 7:00

Which is a little more than an hour

This number wall scares me almost as much as the bug wall

The one in the math and science department

I don't see why Columbia must further fuel its nightmare fuel

But cruelty is the most predominant art form here

So I don't see why I'd expect otherwise

Nevermind, I'm going to rant about something productive

Well not productive per say

But positive

Well not positive per say

But fun to the degree where I feel like I'm spending my time well