A Troubled Girl

Tue, 06/28/2016 - 19:26 -- KInce12

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry. I failed you today.

Dear Doctor,

I’m sorry. I failed you today.

Dear friends,

I’m sorry I failed you today.

I have not written in this thing for months now. I could tell you why now, or I could tell you why later. Which one do you prefer? Okay, I’ll tell you why now. Well, Diary, I have not written to you because I have been busy cut… working. Yes, I have been busy working. Working on ways to hide the bruis… the missing assignments. Yes, working on ways to hide the missing assignments. I went to the doctor, yesterday. They couldn’t see my bruis… bruises that my cat gave me. Yes, the bruises that my cat gave me. The doctor asked me how I felt, and I lie…loved to tell the truth. I told them I was fine when the voices came back telling me clearly I wasn’t. The voices said, “Tell them,” Tell them what, “about the bruises,” No. Diary, those are the good voices. They rarely come around. The bad voices come every day now, every second. Hey Diary, guess what, I lost two pounds this time. Last time, I lost one. Do you want to know how many pounds I am now? I am 90 pounds. Since I have not written in you in awhile, I just turned 17. Seventeen and 90 pounds. Diary, my life is wonderful. Do you want to know what happened yesterday? I was walking in class when a student told me “Stupid, go eat the dog s**t that you are!” Ha, Ha, Ha. Funny right? No? Well, that’s not the worst it could get. At lunch today, Brittany tripped me and made me drop all of my food on the floor. But, that’s okay, I wasn’t going to eat anyway. Brittany also spilled her drink and her food on my head. That’s okay, I was going to the bathroom anyway to catch up on cut … cutting my nails. Yes, cutting my nails.  I got into college, Diary. Students told me I got in because of how hopeless I looked. Do I really look hopeless? Anyway, I know that is not true. I have been hanging out with my friends every day now. I didn’t tell them about the bruises. Why would they care? How could they help? The voices are back Diary. “Shut up. You’re fat. Get a life. You know what just kill yourself. Maybe then everyone’s lives would be better.” Hey, Diary I’m back now. My mom tried to get me to eat some dinner tonight and I said no. I, then, went to the bathroom and threw up. This time a little bit of blood came out, but I’m fine. Dear Diary, you’re my best friend, but I have to tell you lies because even the best of friends judge and even the best of friends get hurt. It will be better, if I’m the only one getting hurt today.

Dear Diary,

I am not home today. I mean I kind of am home I think. I hear machines beeping, people talking. The doctors said that I am still 90 pounds. My eyes are closed so I can only see the darkness. My friends came by today and so did my mom. They were crying, but for what? I’m fine. Aren't I?

Dear Diary,

The hardest part of living was telling the lies. The lies that consumed me. That consumed my life. I have not written in this thing for months now. I could tell you why now, or I could tell you why later. Which one do you prefer? Okay, I’ll tell you it now. Well, Diary, I have not written to you because I have been busy cutting. Yes, I have been busy cutting. It gets harder every day to hide the bruises. Yes, it is getting harder to hide the scars. Yesterday, I went to the doctor. They couldn’t see my bruises. Yes, the bruises that I gave myself. The doctor asked me how I felt, and I lied. I told them I was fine when the voices came back telling me clearly I wasn’t. The voices said, “Tell them,” Tell them what, “about the bruises,” No. Diary, those are the good voices. They rarely come around. The bad voices come every day now, every second. Hey Diary, guess what, I lost two pounds this time. Last time, I lost one. Do you want to know how many pounds I am now? I am 90 pounds. Since I have not written in you in awhile, I just turned 17. Seventeen and 90 pounds. Diary, my life is wonderful. Do you want to know what happened yesterday? I was walking in class when a student told me “Stupid, go eat the dog s**t that you are!” Ha, Ha, Ha. Funny right? No? Well that’s not the worst it could get. At lunch today, Brittany tripped me and made me drop all of my food on the floor. But, that’s okay, I wasn’t going to eat anyway. Brittany also spilled her drink and her food on my head. That’s okay, I was going to the bathroom anyway to catch up on cutting. Yeah, cutting my thighs and my arms. See, look how many bruises I got now. I got into college, Diary. Students told me I got in because of how hopeless I looked. Do I really look hopeless? Anyway, I know that is not true. I have been hanging out with my friends every day now. I didn’t tell them about the bruises. The voices are back Diary. “Shut up. You’re fat. Get a life. You know what just kill yourself. Maybe then everyone’s lives would be better.” Hey, Diary I’m back now. My mom tried to get me to eat some dinner tonight and I said no. I, then, went to the bathroom and threw up. This time a little bit of blood came out, but I’m fine. Dear Diary, you are my best friend, and I can finally tell you the truth now that there are no more lies I could say. As my best friend, you won’t judge me right?

Dear Diary,

The voices are gone. The students are gone. Yesterday, I saw someone smiling at me as I was asleep. All of a sudden, I felt happy. Then, I heard the machine beep a straight line. I got scared, but the person who was smiling at me said not to be scared and to follow her. So, I did. I am in a place, a special place. It is beautiful. I met this guy who tells me every day that I am beautiful. I met him on my second day here. He is 18 or when he died he was 18. In this place, age cease to exist. His name is Michael. He told me he died because his father had beat him to death. We have one friend, Jenny, who died because she overdosed and another, Angel, who died from organ failure (she stopped eating). Michael says he is going to take me on a date today and I can’t wait. Jenny says she will find me a nice dress to wear. She was going to become a fashion designer and Angel said she was going to do my makeup. She didn’t know who she was going to be. I’ll talk to you later Diary. I am happy now, thanks to you Diary.

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