Train Delay

I'm late, I'm late, I'm running very late;
even the white rabbit is far ahead of me.
Pacing with anxiety,
how long must I wait for this damn train.
I don't want to remember,
don't want to think,
don't want to be reminded of the pain.
But there's too much time in my hands
for it to be avoided.

In my mind, behind my eyes
there he stands.
Standing tall with a familiar glint in his eyes
So alluring...
So unreachable...
He can't be mine and I know why.
He know's why.
In fact EVERYONE knows why.
Nothing is between us
except of course the tension,
were my muscles tense
and heart strains to beat
and mind pains to stop it's marathon.
Nothing is between us
but the constant reminder that I keep fighting to ignore:
We can never be anything of any sort.

I'll admit I am in love with love.
But this isn't that,
Far from it in fact.
But it can't even be what it is,
a relationship that never even had a chance
or given a single glance,
because of love.

Not my love.
Not his love.
But someone else completely.
It shouldn't matter should it?
That's what everyone may think.
But a friend is a friend and that's all we will ever be.
Me to him.
Him and me.
He and I.

We will only be friends
because we are stuck on the ends of love's triangle.
Because the pain of love won't disperse.
And I am lost because I will never know...
What could have been,
what might have been...
How he felt...
and if he knew the extent of mine.
Like how when he's in the room
I'm following him with my eyes.
How I can understand everything he does
without even trying.
How every time I step into a crowd
it's him that I'm looking for.

As the train comes rumbling into the station
I push each thought into the tracks.
permitting them to commit the suicide
of the life that I never wanted them to have.
Replacing these thoughts
and giving birth to worries of getting home on time.
Before I can blink.
There he is
right behind the thick window of the train doors.
So close,
So far away.
Doors open,
Eyes meet.
My heart stops
for a few beats.
Today is the first time I've ever prayed for a train delay.
Just for him to stay close to me.

We don't talk like we use to.
In fact, he barely looks my way.
And yet for some reason, I still want to stay.
Right here.
Only feet away.
From the one that will never be mine.

The train's at the next stop.
Our arms brush as we both get off.
But when we go upstairs it's time to part ways.
He goes his, without another glance,
and I go mine.
Never meant to be,
But still yearning unwillingly.

I see the scene repeating in my mind
Thinking of all the different ways
I would've liked it to have happened.
But now it's too late.
I'm walking away
and I can't seem to gain control of my feet,
to turn back around and face him,
beg him to give me the time of day.
So I just keep walking,
with my head down
as my eyes well
wishing he would give me a bit of his time...
he's the boy that has caught my eye,
And lately I've been craving for more and more each time.

Comments

jwiener

Love-what it is and how it develops is described beautifully in this poem. I especially enjoyed the reference to the white rabbit from "Alice in Wonderland" because it is true that he is always never where he is supposed to be, and that it always seems to be the wrong time. Often in life, we feel this way or worse, which you describe excellently.

Poeticchic

This is the story of my life!

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