I'm trying not to over think but I'm trying to advocate for myself. Ok I know I'm a loving woman and mother. I want to be the best me but it's hard finding the help to get me there. I don't want to use drugs so for the first time in my 22 years of using I got clean for five months. At first I was on what they call a pink cloud. The on top of the world feeling didn't last. After 60 days of being clean and sober my mind start turning against me. My nerves started pulsing and I couldn't get a grip on my thoughts. The unfun up and down of boipoler was wedging it's way in. My hand moved on there own beat. I was fighting frustration and had zero focus strength trying just to get a clear view on what I wanted to feel. I knew I needed help so started asking for help and being open about what was happening to me. For a while it was ok cuz everyone was so happy and proud that I was sober. Everyone happy and proud wasn't medicine or a shield for the voice's in my head that came next. I was Scared and worried. I knew it wasn't real but I couldn't deny the sound of a man's voice I heard clear. I told someone I trust and she joined me while I waited in the ER. Looking for help in my towns ER didn't go the way I imagined. What was prescribed to me made me feel worse. I might have use drugs for 22 years. drugs or not, sick or healthy I want to live and forever love life. Being sedated everyday is not living. Fuck what the doctor ordered. I stopped that pill.....
Finally I thought help was getting closer cuz i had gotten myself into behavioral health. I do my best to handle the wife, mom and house duties with the unhealthy mind trying to keep me down . Tough stuff. That's just the beginning. .......
I'm grateful that with all this nonsense that shall soon pass , the lord knows my heart and my intentions. With Jesus i am stronger and wiser. I am Natalie, I am a princess worrier I hold citizenship in the kingdom of heaven. I won't let small shit bother me and any big shit I'll flush with a smile. Fuck mental health
GoodLife