I am afraid of love.
I am afraid of relationships.
I am so scared of unlocking myself to someone, I am certain that they'll run away.
It's because I know no one can handle me.
No one knows how to hold me at night when I wake up, screaming, the fear running off me like sweat.
When I can't even handle myself.

But it's because they can't understand.
They haven't touched death.
When you touch it, even for just a split second, you become a different person.
I have flicked my tongue over the pills that take life.
I have spit them out, choked on them, thrown them up.
I have held them in my mouth, allowing them to burn, scald, and to scream until there are no sounds left to make.

I am different.
I have touched death.
Welcomed him.
Wanted him to take me.
I have also ran from him.
Seen the dark, hollow, soulless monster that he is.
And he catches up.
Grabs you with sharp, cold, skinless fingers.
And as you gasp for air he holds you down, until you are a soulless,like him.

That's when I wake up, screaming, and they don't know how to hold me.