To Be Honest

 

I’m afraid of vulnerability 

Too scared to open up,

I build barriers 

And I come off like an asshole.

“Why is she so angry?”

Because I’m hurt

because I’ve been abused

Because I’ve been burned.

Because I can’t bare to face that pain again, 

So you’ll never get close enough to hurt me.

“Why does she hate god?”

Because I’m crippled with fear

over anything that remotely resembles 

him.

Because I got too close for comfort

Because a “Father”

Could never love me. 

Who could ever love me?

“Why is she such a slut?”

Because when you wander aimlessly 

Stumbling drunk from one embrace to another

You’re never in one place long enough 

to get attached.

Because with that

comes 

nights spent awake 

hand over lips

struggling to stop

the floodgates from opening

and the tears from falling;

wrists stained red;

And a black hole inside my chest

that I can feel 

stripping my life away. 

“Why did she leave me?”

Because I was never worthy of you

because you scared me 

Because anything that resembles love

Must be a lie. 

“Why is she telling me this?” 

Because lying hurts almost as much as the truth.