Today I woke up and stayed in bed.

In my dream, I died, but it wasn’t scary.

It was interesting, in fact, because I wasn’t me. I was a blonde girl with blue eyes and a penchant for getting tossed around like a ragdoll. I’m sure it meant something, as dreams are merely a manifestation of our subconscious. I’m sure that it reflected my fear of lacking autonomy. My fear of being useless. My fear of not having choice. It could have meant a lot, really. But I woke up and stayed in bed because I wanted to continue the dream. Life doesn’t end after death. I wanted to know how the dream world coped. 

There was a lot to do today, like studying for the incoming placement exams and working on my stories. I could have sat down and spent some quality time with the dogs, or practiced the violin for my next audition. But I woke up and stayed in bed.

I soaked in my room, searing what I could to memory. My calendar, barely marked and still set on January, hangs over the piano that I only play when I’m stuck on a violin piece. Stones that my mother believes hold special properties sit on my windowsill. They charge under the full moon. My bed twin sized bed contains three pillows and three blankets. I don’t use everything, so the unclaimed pillows and blankets take up one side, confining me to the edge. I tucked my arm under the pillow and shoved my race into the center, heavy blanket smothering me. I woke up and stayed in bed.

I woke up and stayed in bed because soon, I’ll be leaving for college. The time for me to leave the nest is approaching, coming closer with each passing day. I’ll have to say goodbye to my vanity and the useless knick knacks sitting all over. I’ll have to say goodbye to my grandparents, goodbye to my aunts, and goodbye to my parents. I’ll leave the friends I’ve had since elementary school, to go off to a new scary place, all alone.

Today I woke up and stayed in bed, because I wanted to appreciate what I have before it’s all gone. Today I mourned, but tomorrow I will enjoy.

Soon I’ll be a full fledged adult. I need to act the part. 

Instead of crying, I will be smiling. 

Because if I can’t stay strong for myself, how will I be able to support others?