texas wildflowers do not understand death

blue monarchs do not understand death

 

and while a cemetery supposed to be somber and grounding i immediately get distracted by a caterpillar

 

“dad is it poisonous? can i pick it up?”

“i don’t know, sweetheart” he dismisses. 

 

caterpillars, if following their trajectory, will never die

therefore

caterpillars do not understand death

 

but for some it’s antithetical

since baby lambert lived only two days

baby lambert does not understand life

and for some, they carry duality

the inchworm on the grave of Mauricio Antonio Escobar Sr. -

“it’s him,” i thought.

the little spring green creature carried the old man’s spirit.

 

that inchworm understands life and death

 

and i like to think i, too, understand death

since i dreamed the day he would die [April 4th]

long before that day came

but premonition/luck is not understanding

 

so

despite how much i fear it

despite how often i desire it

despite how exasperatedly my panic reminds me of it

i do not understand death, either.

 

and maybe i don’t need to

if it is inevitable

why worry?

i needn’t understand what i can’t be taught

 

rather,

i must understand what i can to the fullest

because i understand the inchworm and its spirit

that caterpillar and its lifespan

that monarch’s blueberry wing

 

and that texas wildflowers help me understand life.