Patiently waiting on someone to answer my prayers instead of taking them away.

 I’m afraid to say the wrong thing because it may trigger the right thing.

 Nervous to show, what's really happening.

It’s always the same cycle over & over & over again.

A never ending roller coaster of emotionless pain.

Consistent containment

Unbearable breaths, unreasonable triggers.

I’m Fine, I’m Fine.

Darkness everywhere, everyday, every second I’m afraid to look into the light.

I cannot look because I may see something that was never meant to be seen.

I cannot face the truth because I know it will be the cause of destruction & terror. 

Another young beautiful life,  disposable. 

The sunrise causes the break downs & the night falls causes the heart ache.

Meds after meds hoping to make me feel numb once again.

I’m Fine, I’m Fine.

Tell me what to say again, in the act i wish to be apart of.

The pain is at my front door ready to break it down, no matter how hard I try to fight it.

It makes its way to my mirror now i have no choice but to stand and listen but as I hear myself I begin to wonder.

Am i the problem? How can i make it better? Is it too late?

I look at myself and feel so disgusted.

I run to the room and I grab the only thing i feel may help.

 Only way this bullet will fly is if  it has a perfect target aimed at my core.

As the blood courses through my veins.

I try to hide it but now suddenly I can't fight it.

I can’t run but I can't face it either. 

It is a weight at the bottom of my heart with a gun pointed at my head waiting for someone to pull the trigger.

 Maybe that was too far, but  maybe it wasn’t far enough the doctors diagnose me

But in real life they dont give a ----

I’m Fine, I’m Fine.

Can’t recognize her anymore, who are you?

I continued to think. 

How can I forgive myself if i'm still a witness to the tragic loss of the girl whom was never lost.