when i was a little kid, i was always afraid to jump off the diving board

my knees would lock and i’d be forcing myself to jump, my brain telling my body to let go but my body had disconnected

it was a half jump and half fall that took me to the water below

 

this pattern has followed me since then

even as i write this i am half jumping into these metaphors and half falling into these typos and run on sentences and i still don’t know where i’m beginning or ending i’m just hoping something makes sense when my mind doesn’t

if my life is the diving board and i am the one afraid to jump into the deep end then the world is a swimming pool and i’m barely treading water

plenty of fish in the sea but only one of me and if i don’t love myself who will?

 

making leaps has never been my strong suit

falling in love was never falling at all but a slow, struggling sink through quicksand and i never let my head go under

and now i’m playing in mud puddles wondering if i’ll ever get that back that utter helplessness and terror of loving

someone’s heart against your hand that beats out l-o-v-e and not n-o-t you

i was never one for falling

 

my faith is a scattered helplessness and i simultaneously wish i could do more and nothing at the same time

wish i could be a better person and not take this on

plenty of fish in the sea but these waves so close to the shore and i’m heaving on dry land wondering if i’ll ever make it out to open water

 

when i finally jumped, and landed face first bellyflop into the slap of the cold water, i would sink for just a second until i clawed my way back up

i’d go back again and rinse repeat stand there with shaky legs looking at the drop and think how i was never good at falling

 

i fell not for your love but for your soul and how beautifully and honestly you see the world

how flowers grow in the palms of your hands and the corners of your mind

you’re a fairytale creature dropped in the midst of a cold harsh world and it breaks me to see your colors dimming

if you’re jack climbing up the beanstalk looking for adventure i’m the giant tearing the whole thing down and i wish i could take it back

i wish i could be what you needed

 

and i was never good at falling but i’m falling into disrepair second guessing myself at every turn and hating and loving so in tandem

you pulled me up with strings that broke and tangled around me and i don’t know how to untie these knots

i was naked for you and i was vulnerable and i was shaking and now i’m naked and vulnerable and shaken and i wish there were enough words to tell you kindly how your kindness killed me

 

selfishly and silently i wait for you to come back to me

i can’t even write good poetry because of how many times my head’s spun around on its axis and how many times i’ve thought i was falling in love to find i was only falling for all the wrong reasons

standing here by the wayside as the life lesson while you find someone who’s fall you can break with your heart

breaking hearts don’t make much noise but the hole left behind screams loud so you don’t have to

 

and i was honored to be your diving board but the thing about diving boards is that they get stepped on

sometimes they rattle and sometimes they break

i am tired of being the diving board

i want to be what you dive towards

 

i want to be your swimming pool