The Swim Team Candlestick
My senior year of high school I joined the school’s swim team
Not because I particularly liked the idea of spending my afternoons
mindlessly swimming laps in a public pool.
Or the smell of chlorine in my hair
And well…. everywhere.
I joined because if I hadn’t
The team wouldn’t have had enough men to compete that year.
The year was 2016
The year of starving myself
The year of graphic Tees
The year of random hookups with faceless strangers in the dark
because I wasn’t brave enough to shine yet.
The boy who stole glances at the others in the locker room
Too afraid to say hello
Or what’s up?
Or I love you.
The boy who only enjoyed gym class because he got to see Max Paternitti
How peculiar it was that we ended up in the same gym class
Every year.
His smile when he would pick me for his team
and the way he’d smack my ass on the way to the locker room
Damn.
If he was trying to make me fall in love
Then it was working.
After 4 years of falling for any guy who would spare me a second look
At least swim team taught me how to stay afloat.
And I’m not saying I particularly liked the person I was back then
Or his lap time
But it was a spark
Or the beginning of a flame
To ignite a fire that wouldn’t burn til many years later
And I’m writing this poem wondering if he’s well
Or if he still remembers me.
Or if I can still swim as fast as I once did
And I heard he’s an actor in California now
And that he’s still a vegan
And I wonder if he’s happy
I wonder if they’re all happy.
Jared, Wesley, Matthew, or Alex.
Or any man who’s memory got me through college
And the hope that somewhere guys like them might like guys like me.
And some dreams can’t be extinguished by a swimming pool
And they say insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over
and expecting different results
But I doubt they meant love
Or swimming laps
Because sometimes practice makes perfect
And failure is the best kind of practice.
So I will practice breathing in and out
Until the day I fail
Until they lay me in a river
And set me ablaze
But know that I refuse to hide my face
Anymore
I am my own Northern star at the moment
Until someday a man writes me a new one
But stars don’t just shine into the night
They burn away the dawn
And I will burn and burn
But not into ash
No!
No fire’s heat will reduce my bones to dust
I will come back stronger every time just to spite every man who said I never would
And that means you too dad
I am a candle stick that will never burn away
I will remain unmelted
6 feet deep at the bottom of a swimming pool
Til the pressure makes my ears pop
And my heart stop
I am the boy who survived every time you tried to kill me
The boy who rose from the ashes every time
Who swam the distance to be here today
And you should know
That I’m just getting warmed up