Stream of Consciousness
"Why do I bother?!"
I ask myself
I bust my ass day in and day out working some shitty, two-bit job
Trying to make ends meet for college
But I'll never make enough
Too broke because I am paying for it on my own, too "rich" to qualify for help
"Why do I even bother?!"
I ask myself
Past demons from previous lifetimes hovering around every corner
Hiding in the shadows, the alleyways, the back roads
Waiting to crush me
Make me sick
Anxious
Making the pain in my abdomen worse
A black hole, spewing forth acid, constantly churning, burning my insides
Keeping me up at night
19 years old going on 37
"Why do I even bother?!"
I ask myself
There's no amount of tears
Or prayers
Or daily motivational messages on a calendar that will get me out of the hole I'm in
I'm stuck in a place where people like me can't succeed
Where I'm expected to fulfill some stereotype:
Black/hispanic, female, pregnant, uneducated, no hope for a future
Trying so hard to make it by
Crying myself to sleep at night
Pulling my hair out because of stress
Gaining weight and breaking-out
I just want a second chance
Another shot at getting my education
The cost-effective way
The right way
They way to keep my happiness and sanity instead of checking them at the door
Instead of sacrificing them like I did before
To shoot down the naysayers
To get the fuck out of this small town with its small-minded people
But no way out is in sight
So...
"Why do I even fucking bother?"
...
...
...
Because I want it so bad
My degree
My education
The resulting freedom
I'm a stubborn bitch
I'm determined
I want to see gleam in my parents's eyes again
I want to see that look on their faces
The one where they are so proud that they are speechless
Experience the feeling of accomplishment
Hearing my name called out amongst my peers
The cheers of my loved ones propelling me forward
The feel of that cool paper that says I'm one step closer to making it
That I haven't failed
I have my whole life ahead of me
I can mold mountain ranges and shape universes
I can do ANYTHING
I am UNSTOPPABLE
NOTHING WILL STAND IN MY WAY
That's why I bother
Why I deal with the bullshit
I lose sight of it from time to time
But that's why
No one ever got anywhere by sitting on their ass
So I'll keep pushing through
I'll cry
Pull my hair out some more
Get angry a lot
Frustrated
Depressed
Sick
Tired
Feel helpless and fed up
But I'll deal with it
Because that means I'll be one step closer
And one step is all I need