Stream of Consciousness

     "Why do I bother?!"

I ask myself

I bust my ass day in and day out working some shitty, two-bit job

Trying to make ends meet for college

But I'll never make enough

Too broke because I am paying for it on my own, too "rich" to qualify for help

     "Why do I even bother?!"

I ask myself

Past demons from previous lifetimes hovering around every corner

Hiding in the shadows, the alleyways, the back roads

Waiting to crush me

Make me sick

  Anxious

Making the pain in my abdomen worse

  A black hole, spewing forth acid, constantly churning, burning my insides

    Keeping me up at night

19 years old going on 37

     "Why do I even bother?!"

I ask myself

There's no amount of tears

  Or prayers

    Or daily motivational messages on a calendar that will get me out of the hole I'm in

I'm stuck in a place where people like me can't succeed

Where I'm expected to fulfill some stereotype:

     Black/hispanic, female, pregnant, uneducated, no hope for a future

Trying so hard to make it by

  Crying myself to sleep at night

    Pulling my hair out because of stress

      Gaining weight and breaking-out

I just want a second chance

Another shot at getting my education

The cost-effective way

The right way

They way to keep my happiness and sanity instead of checking them at the door

Instead of sacrificing them like I did before

To shoot down the naysayers

To get the fuck out of this small town with its small-minded people

But no way out is in sight

So...

     "Why do I even fucking bother?"

                      ...

                      ...

                      ...

Because I want it so bad

My degree

My education

The resulting freedom

I'm a stubborn bitch

I'm determined

I want to see gleam in my parents's eyes again

I want to see that look on their faces

The one where they are so proud that they are speechless

Experience the feeling of accomplishment

Hearing my name called out amongst my peers

The cheers of my loved ones propelling me forward

The feel of that cool paper that says I'm one step closer to making it

That I haven't failed

  I have my whole life ahead of me

    I can mold mountain ranges and shape universes

      I can do ANYTHING

        I am UNSTOPPABLE

          NOTHING WILL STAND IN MY WAY

That's why I bother

Why I deal with the bullshit

I lose sight of it from time to time

But that's why

No one ever got anywhere by sitting on their ass

So I'll keep pushing through

I'll cry

  Pull my hair out some more

    Get angry a lot

      Frustrated

        Depressed

          Sick

           Tired

             Feel helpless and fed up

But I'll deal with it

Because that means I'll be one step closer

And one step is all I need

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