Why cant I speak? Because no one will listen... But if I don't speak, then they won't hear what I have to say. If I don' t speak, how can they listen? I listen...to that voice in my head that says,"DON'T SPEAK, SHUT UP!, WHAT GOOD WILL YOU HAVE TO SAY ANYWAY?!!, WHAT YOU SAY WONT MATTER!!" But it does matter...lets get to the heart of the matter... Why won't I speak? 

Where did my voice go? When I open my mouth I talk low. I can hear myself think but I can't hear myself speak. They say, "SPEAK UP!" "SPEAK LOUDER!"

I clam up and back in a corner. What's up with that? What's wrong with me?

I wish I would've spoken up, but instead I shut up, feeling ashamed as I sat in my seat. Not listening to that voice that told me to "Speak". My lips were sealed, I didn't utter one word. My voice, my beautiful voice could not be heard.I suppressed the best of my words.

Words that aren't spoken are useless.What's the point of even writing them on this page? IT MUST BE SPOKEN. The spoken word has power. It will let someone know what's inside of you. Where is the girl I thought I knew? Where am I? Have you seen her? She left a long time ago. When she left, I lost sight on me. 

I forget who I was supposed to be. Just let me be...I want to be...free. Free from what I think. 'Cause thinking it don't make a difference if you don't do it. So speak. Speak up. Speak clear. Speak well. Speak up so they can tell... Who you really are. Speak. Don't be afraid of what others may say.They talk all day. It's time to hear what you have to say.

Don't suppress it 'cause it wont go away. The voice you have should be used. So, why don't you speak? Are you ashamed of what He has done in you? Are you ashamed of what He has done for you? Do you know that you are something special too? You must speak so they will know the real you. They won't get it twisted 'cause they'll know what's inside of you.

Make it real, make it genuine, make it true.... I think about what made me not speak.. My tongue got twisted. My speech got weak. My eyes began to water. My knees got weak. My brain rambling on. All eyes were on me but I couldn't go on. No longer did I want to speak. I forgot the words. I wanted to fly away with the birds. I didn't want to be there.

I didn't want to feel this way. I didn't know what I had to say. I know it sounds sad but there's more I want to convey. This moment still sticks with me 'till this very day. I remember how I felt and I never want to feel this way. I froze. I stammered. I stuttered. No one wanted to hear what I had to say.

So I shut up. I've been shut up for years. Using my words as tears. Broken inside because I was too afraid of fear. See, it had me believing that if I spoke, this would happen again. I'd be embarrassed. My shame wouldn't end. My head would still be hung low, my tears falling soft and slow. No one knows what I really know.

I just messed up! but I never wanted to mess up again. So I decided to never speak up again. What if I mess up? What if I stutter? What if the words I utter...Shhuters? That shame will return and those words will burn, "I told you so," Fear comes back for another run. Yet it seems like I only just begun...to realize what's been going on for so long. I've gotten used to this "new" me that I forget the "old" one. Its still waiting to take its place.

At some point I must start running this race and stop running from adversity's face. They say you overcome by the word of you testimony. So if I speak, I'll get stronger. Those shameful days won't last any longer. But...I'm still afraid. What if they laugh? What if they ignore? What if they don't understand my words? Then I'll let the Lord speak through me. But I must be willing to speak, so I won't be afraid to open my mouth.

"STOP! I WON'T LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE!

I won't continue to suppress my joy. I know I have something to talk about. I know I have a voice. FEAR, get behind me! DON'T come knocking on my door! By the way, I won't be home where you can find me. I'll be in a safer place where GRACE can hide me. So when He speaks, I'LL LISTEN. I won't keep missing...out on life 'cuz i'm still reminiscing... On when you wasn't listening. I won't keep listening...to those lies you keep whispering.

I'll Just speak the truth. Something you can always prove. You can't prove what isn't true. It's true that I don't want to be afraid. It's true that I can't wait...for the time to come when I won't be afraid. I can't feed into it anymore.

I want to speak. Talk. Shout. BOLDLY! Casting out all fear. I want to tell others about my testimony. So, if you feel like this. If you feel like me. If your face starts to sweat, and your eyes begin to water. If your knees get weak... All I can do is command you to speak! Tell that fear to leave. The more you listen, the more you're deceived.

The more you'll listen less and less to the truth that sets you free. Listen, I've been there. I know what it means. But someday, I'll just have to shut it all out...and JUST SPEAK!