To Aliza Le
I remember, sister--
The boys who used to pick at my sexuality like daisies
I felt my heart shrivel alike decaying rose petals
Because I knew that I had nothing straight.
Their eyes were worn and hands rugged and
Mind filled with nothing but metal and the means to
Rip me apart limb by limb
Each word they spoke was a dissonant static that
Pierced the thick air like a blade raised
To slice down on my shaking body
Because I was different.
I remember asking dad how he felt
How he felt about gay people.
I remember the words so candid
Like crystal fragments of a shattered glass castle
Twinkling with a hope that would soon die
But all the same
Scathing and deadly
A plague, he had said
A sickness within a sickness.
I felt like nothing
Because I soon began to realize
The ones who rose me to be the poster child of a parent's dreams
Would never want me,
The true me.
A projection in which we believe we are confident in our mind and matter
Confident. A bitter lie that we twist to secure the glass hearts settled within
To hide the insecurity and loneliness and gloom
I never loved myself but I pretended I did to be a confident role model for others
Who were hurting as deeply as a roaring, sorrowful sea
But they never knew that I was just as weak as the collarbones in my chest
That struggled to hold up my hanging head
And even if they didn’t know, I knew
All this time, how could I love someone else
If I didn’t love myself?
But you-- no, we
We came from the same tree
Slender, lithe branches intertwining to create poetry and music and art
Who believed in self-freedom and expression
You believed not only in those, though--
You believed in me…
I liked boys and you liked ice cream but in the end
Who gives a fuck?
I remember, I felt like nothing
But you made me feel like
I was everything
Everything I could ever be and hoped to be
I was sinking into the ocean of my sin
But you revived me.
There would soon be a day in which
Our paths would be rendered asunder
But I would no longer be afraid
Of the pain and misery I had to face
And the rhythmic thunder that accompanied it
Because I am my own sea
And I will swim however I please.
Because I live for you.