Shall I stray
Shall I stray?
When the memory of feelings and the most simple emotions that I got from You visit me,
I am undone.
When I was broken from sin
Or content in You
When I felt far away
Or brand new
It was so easy to know what to do
To trust the only One I knew to be true.
And now
Silence
Not that I pursue feelings for feelings sake
But
It's quiet
And I wish my heart could just break
For something
Whether sin
Or Your holiness
And though I know how to wear the grin on the outside again
I feel numb to all that's within.
Struck by guilt and knowing I've fallen
Questioning if it's you who has been calling or just my thoughts and knowledge
It's too easy to call that
Christianity
That righteous profanity
Of professing You with my lips
And then looking at sins mouth with lust as the honey drips and all that is in me begs for a sip
As if sin gave us samples and never whipped us into submission
Without asking for permission
Forcing us to look away from our mission
And Oh God
Where are You
In the prison in my skull
My heart is full of questions and doubts
But pride can't confess
Pride will protest
Because I have done my best to look my best
To be better than the rest
To know the right things
And say the right lines
Without acknowledging my partaking of mankind
As my own disease breads all kinds of hypocrisies
Brokenness and lies
Except that I may be exalted
And this is where I've faulted
Oh God I could stray
I could turn and go my own way and try to shut You off in my brain and act like the insane to do all that is vain indulging in future pain.
God. I shall not walk by feeling but by faith and avoid that hellish wraith that haunts me and points me to depression
That eternal damning session of self pity for the self proclaimed wity
Beckoning the damned into that wicked city
Oh God, how I need You so desperately
I am nothing
Quicken my eyes to look upon Your cross
Heal my lame feet that they may run to the dripping blood of Calvary
Without regard of who does or does not see
Make me see past the veil of make believe upon the grander of Your glory
Connect the thoughts in my head on the bridge to my heart that it may burst with love, adoration, and humility as You've showed me from the start
Oh first Love
Though I cannot feel right now
Give me true belief
That in trusting all Your word says You are and all You've done
I may receive the gift of looking upon You one day
Your glorious face
And understanding in reverence
What I can't comprehend now
Unmerited Grace.