Leaving you was the hardest thing to do

but the right thing

the best thing

But you no longer existed

The man consumed by his worst demons, 

the shell of a once lively father with a great mind but also

greater morals 

Faintly I remember your face

The happier times we shared together;

with family

But you no longer existed 

You were gone, a fade memory now; 

A faded pale ghost

A faded memory that I hopelessly clung to as if I was still a child

Still a daughter who needed her father

You no longer existed, your existence leaving only memories that play in my head

The happy ones, the harsh ones, the ones forever embedded in my being

The safety of your arms as you hugged me, embracing to comfort 

to save me from the slightest gnawing of sadness that crept in as sly as a fox;

The stumble of your legs as you swayed,

the bumbling fool with narsastic traits

the bumbling fool that spat and snarled

the fool that relied on the acidic contents of a bottle to coddle him;

but you no longer existed 

And when it was told you no longer existed,

that you breathed your last breath on September 18th 

I was numb like my skin on a cold winter's night,

swallowed whole by the sea of darkness 

for the months that followed

You were gone - leaving only your impact on my life; on others

On how to be, not only what to do but

also a reminder on what not to do to your

family

To not break them, to not rake heart break 

into the hearts of your loved ones, and

forsake them

To not fall to the demons of addiction 

and be a stale shell of a great man

Of a great father

But you no longer existed 

And that's how I try to remember you; 

a great father who loved his family

Who would do anything to keep his family content

as any father should 

I keep your love in my memory

The strongly held hugs, the smell of your presence,

the twinkling sight of your smile

The presence of a father that no long exists