My hair becomes the dirt

My hair becomes the dirt

 

But I don't care

As I let the roots absorb me into their grasp

And swallow me whole.

The bitter taste of soil on my tongue

Is nothing

Compared to the emptiness

That sours my insides.

 

The flowers in my gut

Are vines of poison ivy

Sifting their way through my bones

To find my soft spot

And infect me until I scrape away every part of what made me

Whole;

What made me

Good;

What made me

Smile.

 

My pure and beautiful sky

Is far away

As I am sinking

Sinking down

Through layers of mud and hurt

And moments I thought I buried long ago.

 

My shining sun

Please take me back!

Oh surface, I call to you

Please hold the rope that lines my neck-

I don't care if it kills me

As long as it takes me back into the light of my love!

 

Oh my love,

Oh my love.

 

I hope the sinkholes never find you;

Here I am washing away the clumps of nothingness I let grow upon my aching flesh

Scrubbing til I'm beautiful enough for your hands to feel safe upon my back.

The underground is nothing like a safety blanket

Even sheltered from the storms.

 

Please lay yourself upon my pillow

Sleep and hold me above the ground.

Don't let my hair fall out

Don't let this tongue of mine taste

What it's like to feel like worthless words

Spilled out and dumped in a grave of bitter soil.

Bitter, bitter feelings

Wasted fleeting moments

When I could have grown a garden

 

When I could have had the heart to tell you I need help;

And spell it out in daisy petals

With shaking hands-

Let you look upon my struggle as I was

As I am

Just pulling myself out of the ground.

 

I've not yet reached the point where I can grow my own happiness

In the backyard of my home beside the dirt

But I'm willing to make it work,

To transform that patch of ground

Into what can become

Our own place

Of color and life and flowers that will resemble our unchanging smiles.

 

Beneath a beautiful sky with a brilliant sun,

My love can grow with stronger roots

Than any that come to pull me down.