Ive been feeling like a robot lately. Constantly malfunctioning stut-stut-stuttering all the time wondering why I lose my train of thought so...ummm.... Oh. Often. It's like living with a demon on each side of you swatting away all the oppourtunities to pull myself out of this trance. Medication is like my batteries and every time i feel low people ask me if i missed a dose. No. I just wanna fucking kill myself it's fine haha, right? It's normal to rely on the one thing that drives you mad so others can trust you won't kill yourself. Right? And every now and then this chip in my brain called sanity. Wait. I should mention it's worn. And cracked. And it only works in quiet moments that I blast music so loud i can't hear these voice-voice-voices in my head telling me to shut down. Standby. Restart. Hello. My name's Joe. How are you? Oh I'm sorry. Im here for you okay? It'll get better. Don't cry. There's a tear in my eye and im choking on my own air repressing the emotion because I'm on too thin of ice to fall. I hate feeling because it's like torturing your own mind just to remind yourself I'm human. Well I'm not. Attention deficit hyperactive disorder. The latest addition to the lengthly list that isnt so much a list as much as an answer to what the fuck is wrong with me now. I could read you this list if i could just remember which came first i have to do it in order it's part of my OCD. I have that too. Depression. Anxiety. It's like not being able to trust yourself to breathe because what if you dont take a deep enough breath. What if not enough air gets to your lungs what if your heart starts pounding again how are you gonna get through it thi-thi-this t-time. AAAAGGGHHHH GOD SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA RIP OFF MY KEYBOARD AND PULL THE FUCKING PLUG. I've been feeling like a robot lately. Constantly trying to figure out what you're trying to find getting used by everyone. Doing my best to go as fast as i can but every time the wires don't touch in my mind I feel a sharp blow to my temple in an attempt to keep me on track. This is what it's like to live. Not being able to worry about my future because I'm just hoping to make it through the day. And give me the words. I'll just tell you I want to fucking kill myself.