Dear Richard,

You came to mind right away, for both the right and wrong reasons. The thing that caught my attention was that glimmering smile. You seemed so happy in your photos, exactly the type of person I needed in my life right now. My depression reaching it's peak, began to climb down it's highhorse. I felt those butterflies in my stomach when you reached out. I, a self conscious, depressed gay boy, caught your attention. You complemented me over and over which made those butterflies grow in size. My smile lines creased, eyes watering, teething showing. That depression state had reached an all time low. The moment when you asked me to hangout, the world stopped. That voice in my head came back. Vocing it's negative opinion into my mind. Why would he want me? My skin filled of acne and nails bitten away to their beds. You wouldn't like me. I'm not the boy that's on my social media. Flawless skin, lips big, white eyes. That was the boy I hoped to be. I declined your offer due to my anxiety of it all going wrong, since everything related to my feelings with boys had in the past. Weeks passed while I was in the state of self deprication, wondering if you would ask again. One night, I was so sad to deal with anything. I pressed my lips againt the opening, ignited the flame, and inhaled the thick smoke deep into my lungs. It made me feel like nothing in the world could affect me. It was at a standstill, letting me live in my own sense of this utopia. But it happened. You asked again. I felt, in that moment, the high fly far away from my body. I was sober as could be. Before that voice could come into my mind, I said yes. Something I've never done before. I finally have a date with a boy, or that's what I thought. The mrning sunshine woke me from my deep slumber. Today was the day. My nerves felt normal, nothing out of control yet. I turned on my music, danced whilst getting ready. It felt like I had no worries, that today was going to be the best. I made the drive to your house. Then it hit me. I am here. I saw him, dressed in his cuteste outfit. It made me smile. My mind was everywhere, wondering what I do next. We sat down with our coffee and water, and I learned a lot about you. All your cute quirks made me like you even more. This is where it started, the feeling of lust crashed into mind and heart, fighting it's way to establish itself permentanly. We sat and talked, the music in the background, your eyes gleaming, my heart fluttering. You smiled at me, that smile that started it all. The next hour was the most intense. Your lips pushed againist mine, biting my bottom lip. I was finally exploring your body, cheerising every moment. The pleasure of you was heightened by the songs that filled the car. We connected in such a way that I can't explain. I dropped you off at your house, kissing you goodbye. For some reason, it felt like a permanent goodbye. The voice came back. This time, it was here to stay. I crashed into my bed. You just wanted me for sex. The voice was right all along. I cried and burried myself into the safety of my pillow and blanket. How could I be so oblivious to this. You just wanted to be friends. I guess you hookup with all your new gay friends. And I was just the once used, boring boytoy. I asked to hang again, maybe to establish a mutual lust. You declinced the offer like I did before. It hurt me. The deprssion climbed it's way back onto his highhorse. This time, chaining himself on. I felt comfortable around you. I've never felt what I did when I was with you. So all I ask, is for you to be my friend. Ask my to hang out again. Let me feel that happiness i felt before. I need you and your smile. 

Love, Logan.

This poem is about: 


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741