Reading my childhood journals makes me realize that I've always been this way. I've always been escaping the demons one way or another. And maybe I'm being dramatic, but all my life has been is one drama after the next twisting into some sort of fucked up plot line where everyone gets screwed over in the end.

 

Nothing has changed. I'm reading these entries from late 2013 and maybe things were worse then but even now I have these same thoughts as my 16 year old self. Still want to drink, still want to starve, still want to gauge my false eyes out so people can see the truth. Still want to melt 6 feet into the ground. But only sometimes.

 

But maybe everything has changed.

Because I've realized I'm so sick of being this depressing storm cloud terrorizing the lives of others and I know how hard it is to break that cycle of sadness but I've done it before and I know I can do it again. It's just so fucking hard.

 

So fuck these journals, fuck these memories of the sadness I'm leaving behind. It is not something I can forget, but it is also something I refuse to torment myself with.

 

Although they have shaped me, they will not control me.