I am tired.

I am stuck in a constant cycle of recovery and relapse.

When I am in recovery, I fear relapse.

When I relapse, I fear recovery.

it is a sick, toxic cycle.

I hate this.

I hate this so fucking much.

I'm alwys trying to pull myself back up or down to equilibrium.

Because my mental state is so out of balance.

But equilibrium seems shitty too,

I'm losing my mind no matter what.

Trying to reach a seemingly impossible goal.

It is hard.

Fighting it feels like I'm faking it.

And I've always faked who I am.

But not fighting it seems hopeless.

And if I don't have hope then I might as well be dead.