Pushing uphill
Location
Subduing the lump in my throat
Is like pushing a boulder uphill-
The hardest part is starting,
Overcoming of the inertia of grief.
And I had to start at the end,
The last moment I looked into your eyes
And your knees buckled
And you, along with everything we knew of eachother, collapsed.
It replays when I think of you, in a nauseating loop
Until the excruciating sting becomes an ache
That I can push through, slowly,
Rewinding the clock
Past the unfacable decision,
Sleepless night,
Desperate phone call
My words, "Don't worry. He'll be okay."
Here, at the echo of my foolishness, I stop.
The boulder I'd been pushing rolls back on me, mocking my hope
Until I find the strength to see the beauty of its trueness,
Rather than the tragedy of its wrongness.
But when I do, the lump, the boulder?
It gets lighter.
As I rewind past the wind in our hair,
And your solidness, your warmth in winter,
Past the open field where we breathed eachother into a single existence
Past dream days that floated by effortlessly
Trough the dulling ache of your absence
To where it all began
The first moment I looked into your eyes
And my knees buckled.
Here, at the top of the hill, looking down on all that was you, was us?
Here we will stay.