My brain is in a state that I can't even begin to explain
for everything is in black and white
and is moving backwards at three times its usual rate
causing every bit of what I do to never be in the right.
If I was a few years younger, I would say it's because my mask was failing
for my skeleton would be cracking under pressure
and in those years there was always a simple explanation:
I was weak, and there was no gold in my veins, which made me far from being a treasure.
In some twisted way, my mind felt more at ease when I entered those dark thoughts
because for a brief few hours each night when they did- I allowed myself to play the victim
so I could break down my walls and cry when I knew I was alone
but reflecting upon that, I can see how I fell into a habit that was loathsome.
However, that doesn't make my mind any less of a mess
and it doesn't cause an oozing of serenity that I so hoped it would
for my brain is still in this state that can be barely expressed
and I so badly wish that I could.
All I know now is that it's because I'm stressed
since life as you get older becomes all that more crucial to stay afloat
because the second you don't- you're drowning in a mess of problems you've never thought of
and if you allow those problems to consume you- the silence fills until it takes away your voice from your throat
since all the screams you cry begin to fade into the shadows
until there's no longer any pleads that can be heard
since there's no safety net to catch any negativity
which is how I'm understanding why my thoughts have become blurred.
And maybe, just maybe if I'm processing this right
it can show to the ones I love so dearly- the ones who've noticed something is off
that I'm dealing the best I can given the state of my mind
and I'm trying- I swear I'm trying to remain tough.
And maybe it can show me the same.