United States

My brain is in a state that I can't even begin to explain

for everything is in black and white

and is moving backwards at three times its usual rate

causing every bit of what I do to never be in the right.


If I was a few years younger, I would say it's because my mask was failing

for my skeleton would be cracking under pressure

and in those years there was always a simple explanation:

I was weak, and there was no gold in my veins, which made me far from being a treasure.


In some twisted way, my mind felt more at ease when I entered those dark thoughts

because for a brief few hours each night when they did- I allowed myself to play the victim

so I could break down my walls and cry when I knew I was alone

but reflecting upon that, I can see how I fell into a habit that was loathsome.


However, that doesn't make my mind any less of a mess

and it doesn't cause an oozing of serenity that I so hoped it would

for my brain is still in this state that can be barely expressed

and I so badly wish that I could.


All I know now is that it's because I'm stressed

since life as you get older becomes all that more crucial to stay afloat

because the second you don't- you're drowning in a mess of problems you've never thought of

and if you allow those problems to consume you- the silence fills until it takes away your voice from your throat


since all the screams you cry begin to fade into the shadows

until there's no longer any pleads that can be heard

since there's no safety net to catch any negativity

which is how I'm understanding why my thoughts have become blurred.


And maybe, just maybe if I'm processing this right

it can show to the ones I love so dearly- the ones who've noticed something is off

that I'm dealing the best I can given the state of my mind

and I'm trying- I swear I'm trying to remain tough.


And maybe it can show me the same.


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