Playing with Broken Pieces

Location

We are all damaged things
At least that's what I learned
From such a young age
Well, if you call high school young

For someone who claims to have learned
They have never used it

See, where I come from
Love was slamming the door
And waiting for them to come back
Day after day
Only to find that they never would
And the next time you heard from them
They were in the next town
Preparing for a court date

Love was sitting up early Saturdays
Almost hearing the walls quiver
From the sound of broken hopes and dreams
Laying awake and listening to tears
Falling and shattering on skin better left untouched

So when you find someone who's willing to invest
Time and energy in you
You snatched it and hung on to it
No matter what
And when you're in deep like I was
You think you're the only one
And that no one understands
That the very least you could do
Was fix other people
And maybe you'd accept your being broken

I have a knack
For finding the cracks in
Immaculate pieces of pottery
And filling them in with glue
Widen the groove enough that it becomes
What it really isn't
So I fill it up again with something strong
Hope that it stays and
Paint over it so that the signs aren't as obvious
But the cracks didn't stay
And the paint chipped
And eventually the pottery would break
And you're left picking up the pieces and
Throwing them away
And maybe watching them burn if you're lucky

I don't consider myself lucky
Even though I was born with my Jupiter feeling right at home
In a place where dreams are valued
And my Mercury was in a place
Where I could please anyone with just a simple word
I'm not that good with my words
At least, not out loud
So when I try to explain the hurricanes that tear through
My forever restless mind
I end up sounding like a tornado that sprang up
Out of nowhere

I was told that someone somewhere
Would come into my life
Sweep me off my feet and carry me
Into what we would call forever
With picket fences and cars and two story houses
That felt like home

I never felt at home in my own home
Where the gates felt like prison bars
And the rooms felt like cells
It's hell being inside my head
And even now I'm scared 
To even tell that person "I love you"
Because of my fear that I'll hear it back
And I'll let them down afterward

I keep thinking about what's better for me
And how I always find time to fix others
But not myself
And I keep wondering
How will I be put back together
When he leaves with the sound of a slammed door
And if I will even bother to get up off the ground

I am so scared
To think
That someone might actually
Love me unconditionally
So I run before they can even take a step
And I don't look back
Because of my insecurities and fears of not being shown
What love is

The closest thing to love that I found
Was the same kind that everyone else was raised on
"Someday my prince will come" and "once upon a dream"
And my favorite: "A dream is a wish your heart makes"
But what if I don't dream
And I can't find the ability to wish
For anything but a chance to not f--k up
Every time I see him
And to stay loyal
But I've always been so selfish
And I always run when I see something that I think
Is better
But really isn't
So I end up with nothing

I can't live with having nothing
Any more than I can live with having
Someone that could hurt me at any point
In time without warning
I wish I had a warning bell
When I was about to hurt someone
So that I'd stop myself
But that probably wouldn't do a thing
Other than make me anxious again
And I don't want to feel that way around him

I don't feel anything but peaceful with him
And the best way I can keep it that way
Is learning the difference between love
And a need to be friends with someone
Who has been through things that I can't fix

Like broken mirrors or pottery
Sometimes you're better off cleaning up
And throwing it all away
Than having your hands bleed out
In an attempt to put it back together
And even when you do
It's not the same
Because you can always see the cracks
And the glue and plaster and tape that holds them together
And you can't treat it the same
Because the next time you break it
Might be the last time

Guide that inspired this poem: 

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