Today the weather's nice though cold. I thought
I’d take a bike ride through the neighborhood.
After a while, the call of nature came.
So naturally I headed to my go-
To outhouse that I go to when I need
To go. But it was closed! Oh agony!
Not only was it closed but it was gone!
But why did they deprive us of the john?
Maybe they think that we don’t have to go
Because it’s cold? If anything, that makes
It worse. I’m far from home. I’ll have to rush.
To pee, or not to pee, that is the question:
Whether it's nobler in the mind to suffer
The pangs and throes of outrageous pressure,
Or to take seal from a balloon of troubles,
And by releasing, end them: to drench, to soak;
Relief! And by a soak, to say we end
The belly-ache, and the thousand groinal shocks
That flesh is prone to; 'tis a saturation
Devoutly to be wished. To drench, to soak;
To soak, perchance to chafe; aye, there’s the rub,
For in that soak and drench, what rashes may come,
When we have driven off that visceral toil?
And that's not all. There’s the respect
Of social norms and local ordinance.
For who would bear the twists and squirms of spine,
The requisite restraint continually,
The restroom search, the wait with long delay,
The abstinence of orifice, and the churns
That bulging of impatient bladder makes,
When he himself might his quietus take,
And bear it furtively with respite bare
On countenance? Who would farts forbear,
And grunt and sweat under a weary strife,
But that the dread of social consequence,
Plus mandatory lodging, from whose care
No traveler returns without some bail,
Can make us bear the nether strains we have,
Rather than others that we know not of.
Decorum thus makes cowards of us all,
And thus the yellow hue of resolution
Is smothered over with conformity,
And enterprises of great pissing torrent
With this regard their currents stop and plug,
And lose the name of satisfaction. So
I guess I'll seek a petrol station now.
And if they say you have to buy something,
I'll roll my eyes then knit my brows and say:
That's fair, I feel ya. But, in my opinion,
I think you should have customer latrines,
‘Cause when you gotta go you gotta go.
A benefit of capitalism is
That there are petrol stations everywhere.
Next time I need to fill my tank with gas,
Your sin will be remembered.