My lungs keep beating
A dolldrum hum to the tock of the clock,
Keeping time of the drip drop of the minutes,
Lost in a sea of seconds too turbulent to navigate
The cicumfrence of my sorrow, too full to surpass.
Tick toc, Tick toc.
In and out
My lungs, my lungs,
My flesh sacks of air. My accordian of survival, mere muscle squeezing me,
squeezing. Tick toc. Tick toc.
Tic. You're here.
I'm a newborn, a memory of a memory belonging to someone else
retold so many times it's like a folded love note
again and again- read me the words again.
I'm in your arms, in a baby blue blanket
you thought I was going to be a boy
a boy, blue for a boy.
I came to you a surprise
underdeveloped, elf baby, too little,
my lungs, my lungs - stopping in the night
monitor alarm, a beep beep- a disturbance in the night
a companion to your clock
You're gone. Gone Gone Gone.
You're on the other side of a veil I cannot cross.
A memory in my mind,
a thing I have to remember.
I have to remember
stuck on the tics
never hearing the toc of my own breath
the oxygen you suffused my life with- depleted
suffocating from a broken heart
a mixdiagnosis of anxiety and depression
one part loss
two parts failure
In and no out
Toc. You're here,
the squeezing of your hand against mine
reassurance, guardian and savior.
we're in a store,
dresses, look at the pretty dresses.
you look at me, tic,
no not, the tic. not the tic
TIC TIC TIC
always stuck on the tic
Toc. You're gone.
Silent scream coming from somewhere too deep
Father down inside me then I have ever traveled.
DOWN DOWN - TIC
it's louder, a roar, a groan
too hallow to make noise, to full to not be a scream
MY LUNGS, MY LUNGS.
the arms of the clock fly on the wall
possessed by the howl
tick tick tick tick tick tick
my lungs are all in
your loss a belt on my lungs.
the rage of my muscle, my cells, my tissue my flesh.
Tic tic tic tictic tic tictictic tictictictictictic
and endless purgatory from one shallow breath to the next.
Toc. it comes a tidal wave.
washing over my body with the force of a thousand crashes.
toc my inhale,
toc the oxygen,
toc the tears,
toc the pain
Tic it recedes taking it all back again, rushing it violently back out.
TIC TIC TICC TICCC TICCCC
it's drawn out too long for comfort,
Too long, my fingers go numb
CCCCC - just the tail end of no air
CCCCCcccccc, hurtful hissing.
Toc. I feel the panic in my belly
The rising fear of this endless tide of tics
tic tic tic
my resolve eroding the waves of myself
of you and me
a single thing
ripped at the seams
tic tic tic.
I will always be tic
and you my toc.