Panic Attack

My lungs keep beating 

A dolldrum hum to the tock of the clock,

Keeping time of the drip drop of the minutes, 

Lost in a sea of seconds too turbulent to navigate

The cicumfrence of my sorrow, too full to surpass.

Tick toc, Tick toc. 

In and out

In 

Out

 

My lungs, my lungs,

My flesh sacks of air. My accordian of survival, mere muscle squeezing me,

squeezing. Tick toc. Tick toc. 

Tic. You're here. 

I'm a newborn, a memory of a memory belonging to someone else

retold so many times it's like a folded love note

opened

and closed

again and again- read me the words again.

I'm in your arms, in a baby blue blanket

you thought I was going to be a boy

a boy, blue for a boy. 

I came to you a surprise

 little girl. 

underdeveloped, elf baby, too little, 

my lungs, my lungs - stopping in the night

monitor alarm, a beep beep- a disturbance in the night

a companion to your clock

tic 

Toc, 

You're gone. Gone Gone Gone.

You're on the other side of a veil I cannot cross. 

A memory in my mind,

a thing I have to remember.

I have to remember

Tic

Tic 

Tic

Tic

stuck on the tics

never hearing the toc of my own breath

the oxygen you suffused my life with- depleted

suffocating from a broken heart

a mixdiagnosis of anxiety and depression

one part loss

two parts failure

Tic

Tic

In

In

In and no out

the squeezing 

Toc. You're here,

the squeezing of your hand against mine

gentle pressure,

reassurance, guardian and savior.

we're in a store,

dresses, look at the pretty dresses. 

you look at me, tic,

no not, the tic. not the tic

TIC TIC TIC

always stuck on the tic

Toc. You're gone.

Silent scream coming from somewhere too deep

Father down inside me then I have ever traveled.

DOWN DOWN - TIC

it's louder, a roar, a groan 

too hallow to make noise, to full to not be a scream

MY LUNGS, MY LUNGS.

the arms of the clock fly on the wall

possessed by the howl

tick tick tick tick tick tick

my lungs are all in

no out

your loss a belt on my lungs.

the rage of my muscle, my cells, my tissue my flesh.

Tic tic tic tictic tic tictictic tictictictictictic

and endless purgatory from one shallow breath to the next.

Toc. it comes a tidal wave.

too strong,

washing over my body with the force of a thousand crashes. 

toc my inhale,

toc the oxygen,

toc the tears,

toc the pain

Tic it recedes taking it all back again, rushing it violently back out.

TIC TIC TICC TICCC TICCCC

it's drawn out too long for comfort,

Too long, my fingers go numb

CCCCC - just the tail end of no air

CCCCCcccccc, hurtful hissing.

Toc. I feel the panic in my belly

The rising fear of this endless tide of tics

tic tic tic

no toc.

my resolve eroding the waves of myself

of you and me

a single thing

ripped at the seams

tic tic tic. 

 I will always be tic

tic tic

and you my toc.

 

 

 

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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