You opened and closed the doors

When I least expected it -

And when I most needed it.

In my high moments of selfishness,

You were there,

To put me in my place. 

In my darkest, loneliest moments,

When the sky was crushing me,

You were right above me, pushing it away.

But when I needed you the most,

You were no where to be found.

You simply vanished.

The most essential part of my being

Was ripped from me

Without even a goodbye.

And when I was finally used the idea of

You not being in my life,

You knocked on my door, once again.

And I let you in - 

Once again,

Without a second thought. 

And I opened the door for the cycle to continue.

But it was always you, who closed the doors

To all my potential, all my ideas and all my happiness. 

You made me faint to the touch,

Made the weakening in my knees and

The tightening in my throat beat to the rhythm of my conflicting heart. 

I cannot make any excuse for my undesirable thinking, or 

My pathetic dreams that one day, you and I might end up together.

And I tell myself, I don’t need you,

And I deserve better,

But I always end up at your door. 

You are the venom and I am the helpless prey

And as much as I hate myself for those excessive thoughts, 

I hate you more.

But I still smile when you come through the door.