I thought I had reached the end

I thought I finally meant it when I said “just one last time”

How stupid was I to believe

That there was ever such a thing as “one more time, one last thing”

Didn't I say that last time?

 

I thought I meant it when I started eating full meals

I thought I meant it when I began drinking juice regularly 

Though I’ve always known that I’m a liar

This time, I had even myself fooled

I had hoped that recovery could be my single truth

Am I incapable of staying clean

Am I incapable of holding myself back from restriction and starving and picking apart my body

In the mirror before I shower

In a contest for the fool of the century,

I would come in first place.

 

Maybe this is a wild, roundabout compliment to my strengths

To my incredible self-discipline and self-control

To my body’s marvelous strength and resilience

It has endured the trials of starvation beautifully

Now if I only I could get it to display that externally

It is so selfish of me to wish others would look at me and gasp

But I strive for validation

And a full stomach just can’t give me that.

 

So I do what anyone would do-

 

I trigger myself

I create absurd diet plans

I analyze photos of myself

I mourn over my past calorie counts

And in less than a week, I will hit a year clean from counting

But rather than celebrating my strength,

I am crying myself to sleep

Because I am already planning to skip breakfast tomorrow

How can I do this again

How can I willingly put myself through the torturous pains again

The breaking nails, the chills on my skin, the cramps in my stomach, the dizziness in my head

I must be a masochist

Even though I find myself tearing up just thinking about how much a kids size meal used to hurt

How can I do it again

I am not the same girl I was at fourteen

Jesus Christ, I think I will die before I turn thirty

I’m going to be sick.

 

(Just one last time)

I whisper it to myself in the evening

Just one last time, because holidays are coming up, and I can’t take it without some comfort

Without some control

(Just one last time)

Because my blue sky is on fire and it has not rained in days

(Just one last time)

I ease myself into the familiar pattern of dieting and skipping, as I would a conversation with an old friend

(Just one last time)

Isn’t that what this is? An old friend, darling anorexia

(Just one last time)

Who only let me down when my organs nearly failed- so why object the temptation

(Just one last time)

When I’ll be six feet deep one way or another

Forgive me, please

I know I shouldn’t do this, but it makes my thoughts slow down

So, 

One last time. Let me do this 

One last time.