I don't know what to think

within forgiveness I'm finding regret

and now I'm feeling stupid

this all is stupid

 

I certainly don't miss Chicago

I feel like I would've died

had I stayed there

since there came a point

where I hadn't any salvation

so I felt entirely alone

 

And now I'm here

feeling far too trapped

trapped by goodness

but trapped nevertheless

and it makes me wonder

whether I'd feel any better

if I were freer, yet sadder

 

And silly things

like behind the scenes

where I'm pretty sure the cast

orders Giordano's

makes me think

I wish I had a cast when I was there

a team 

a family of some small sort

 

I really don't like feeling conflicted

I'd rather all out hate something

or all out adore it

but the world is full of greyness

even if I only care

to look for vibrant reds and blues and purples

 

I'm pretty sure I don't want to stay in MN forever

I already feel as though I'm encased in a comfy tomb

and I can't help but feel

even if my flesh were rotting

I could still breathe, perhaps

 

I want to stay here

until I'm sure of my future

and what I want to do with my soul

but that isn't good at all

considering most people never fully know

and I'm itching with wanderlust

 

I am pissed

all this was supposed to work

from the beginning

when I was loading up my campus card

and imagining weekends spent

perched at lake michigan

sometimes alone

but always fulfilled with the knowledge that

in my dorm and in my classes

I would have beloveds

and that was not the case

 

I feel weak for not fighting

but I try to remind myself

of the frog in boiling water analogy

she'll jump out if it's immediately hot

but if it eases up to scalding

it really won't seem that bad

 

New York City is too big

Portland might be too small

London is too far away

New Orleans is too dangerous

And Chicago didn't work out

 

Existential angst

is the furthest thing from new

or unique

but it's all I've been barfing up

as of late

 

I see Chicago destroyed

in videogame ads

and alien movie climaxes

and I want to cheer

in bitter sadistic resentment

but it was in those streets

where I often had nothing but myself

and I must teach myself

to recall those times

when I would've looked back

and seen it as good company

 

I don't want it to be winter again

I want the sun to burn off 

these layers of my skin 

that shivered

 

I don't cut my wrists

and I never did

but I have scars nevertheless

I used to blame it on ghosts

my teachers say it's due to stress

and I want to bind my wrists

to keep whatever's happening from happening

but it must mean something

so perhaps I oughtn't try to stop it

since I still don't feel like a fighter

 

I still don't feel like a fighter

I feel like a survivor

and that is just as brutal

just as violent

and mainly just as selfish