You don’t realize until it happens, that a person can die multiple times without once being resurrected.
You don’t realize until it happens, that a heart can break endlessly without being glued back together.
You don’t realize until it happens, that one can get lost repeatedly without ever finding her way back.
You don’t realize until it happens, that a mind can continue to get confused without really finding answers.
It’s just this endless spiral of why, with no answer: because…
It’s just spinning blindly in circles in the dark, dizziness only propelling you further into the centrifugal motion
It’s just a hammer continuing to smash, and shatter, and pulverize
It’s the lingering memories acting as a driving force, the hammer being the thought you have to keep reminding yourself of: “He’s gone.”
From this point on, every day adds to the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing him, speaking to him, checking on him, being checked on by him
No more “Happy Wednesday my dear!”
No more “Let’s do lunch tomorrow”
No more “You’ve got it bad, my dear”
No more “My precious Lela”