Nitrogen Fixation

Fri, 01/26/2018 - 15:01 -- mibro18

To my Mocha Frappuccino, my first love, my first heartbreak,


Can beauty ever really come out of this pain?

Can these words ensure that the suffering was not in vain?

Will they wash away the sorrow like spring rain?

Am I doomed to be an Abel or have I become your Cain?


These are all the words that I never said

All the ways you made me feel like I’d be better off dead

No longer are they trapped inside of my head

No longer is it me warming the other side of your bed


I gave you everything that I had to give and more

But you got your satisfaction from treating me like a cheap whore.

Was I was the villain for craving something more?

No, you made me into the villain because I walked out the door.


I swear it felt like Destiny was laughing at me

Because from then on I couldn’t get you off my mind, like an addict with ecstasy.

Brutal, addictive, painful, wonderful, disastrous, lovely

Can I ever let go of your beautifully torturous memory?


I don’t think I can.


To this day, I still hold you in my dreams.

The thought of you makes me want to fall apart and scream.

I naively believed we went together like ice and cream,

But now our relationship was a one-person team.


I’ve tried so hard to forgive you,

And tried to remind myself that you

Believe that love is pain and that you

Have built your self-image upon how others see you.


I spent hours and months praying for salvation

Not realizing that I was capable of freeing myself from damnation.

I learned about a biological cycle called nitrogen fixation:

Plants taking toxic nitrogen into new compounds, a helpful creation.


I was in awe, inspired, astounded at the fact

That Mother Nature had coded her fauna to impact

Themselves by transforming the scars of their past

Into helpers and healers, broken but alive at last


Like them, I am in recovery, I’m not out of the dark yet,

But damn me if I forgive before I forget

All of the hurt that I swallowed like a fish in a net,

I’ll keep the records of the emotional debt.

So this is it, our final goodbye

I have told my truth and I don’t want your lies

This incredible weight off my chest heads for the sky

I gave it my all. All I wanted from you was for you to try.


I really hope you find someone who can love you the way that you need.





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