To my Mocha Frappuccino, my first love, my first heartbreak,
Can beauty ever really come out of this pain?
Can these words ensure that the suffering was not in vain?
Will they wash away the sorrow like spring rain?
Am I doomed to be an Abel or have I become your Cain?
These are all the words that I never said
All the ways you made me feel like I’d be better off dead
No longer are they trapped inside of my head
No longer is it me warming the other side of your bed
I gave you everything that I had to give and more
But you got your satisfaction from treating me like a cheap whore.
Was I was the villain for craving something more?
No, you made me into the villain because I walked out the door.
I swear it felt like Destiny was laughing at me
Because from then on I couldn’t get you off my mind, like an addict with ecstasy.
Brutal, addictive, painful, wonderful, disastrous, lovely
Can I ever let go of your beautifully torturous memory?
I don’t think I can.
To this day, I still hold you in my dreams.
The thought of you makes me want to fall apart and scream.
I naively believed we went together like ice and cream,
But now our relationship was a one-person team.
I’ve tried so hard to forgive you,
And tried to remind myself that you
Believe that love is pain and that you
Have built your self-image upon how others see you.
I spent hours and months praying for salvation
Not realizing that I was capable of freeing myself from damnation.
I learned about a biological cycle called nitrogen fixation:
Plants taking toxic nitrogen into new compounds, a helpful creation.
I was in awe, inspired, astounded at the fact
That Mother Nature had coded her fauna to impact
Themselves by transforming the scars of their past
Into helpers and healers, broken but alive at last
Like them, I am in recovery, I’m not out of the dark yet,
But damn me if I forgive before I forget
All of the hurt that I swallowed like a fish in a net,
I’ll keep the records of the emotional debt.
So this is it, our final goodbye
I have told my truth and I don’t want your lies
This incredible weight off my chest heads for the sky
I gave it my all. All I wanted from you was for you to try.
I really hope you find someone who can love you the way that you need.