The day after I was born
I started to feel love that didn't belong to me.
I still hear my parents say to each other
"You're doing your best."
Instead of "I love you."

My father decorated rooms with butterflies
So that even after 12 years of marriage
My mother knew he got flustered

When he saw her.

I have too many memories than I like to count
Of accidentally walking in the room while my parents were making out
I always called the energy I felt  "my parents"
No one told me it was love.
This love stretched itself into my lungs.
So that with every exhale I would take
I would say
"I know what real love is."
When I was 12
I learned to breath a little deeper.
I survived my first year of living without a father
Some people call it death anniversary, I call it another February
Another winter filled with skies that have forgotten what's it like to be blue
But roses stay red
Even in the snow
I know because minutes before my father died he made sure my mother got a bouquet of flowers every Valentine's
I know because I'm the product of the purest love
I feel my parents love for each other with every heartbeat in my chest
 

But this love stops at my bones, never entering my veins
My last love stopped wanting to kiss me.
The day after
I told him I was a fatherless child
Something about not wanting to add further damage
To a heart that was already broken
But I
Never meant to be broken.
I just meant to love him with the courage I had left-

 

Im Lefted with

My Fire alarm mouth

Blaring “I love yous”
To keep me warm

im lefted with

Fire sprinkling eyes

Because no one comes back to check if your burned

I used to have a cannonball heart
But now I've forgotten what it's like to say "I know what real love is"
Maybe I’m just tired of breathing.
Because you start to heave
When you let any boy in need of comfort dry out your love
Maybe I need to stop giving up
And start letting go.
So that I stop believing that every pair of blue eyes belong to my father.

My father told me that Columbus called the Americas beautiful
When he was trying to find a quicker way into India's lap.
Don't tell me I was the one you were looking for
Some people force flirtation down their spines as if it was vodka. But i could never stomach the toxicity in a playful smile
 

Look at my palms

These are lines of boundaries and skepticism

To the next boy who tries to love,

please

stretch out your hands

and cradle the patience it will take for me

to believe in trust again.

 

I still believe

that there is nothing more beautiful

than the colors that show

while a collapsing sun sets into this earth.

My love,

collapse into me

And when you can't handle this new world

Find the galaxies in my gaze

I can't wait for you to see
The stars in my eyes.

 

But stars
 

Rarely all come out at once.

So I need you to be okay with "I'm doing my best"
When I mean to say “I love you.”
If you tip toe around my hesitation
And pick me up when I try to push you away
I promise I'll eventually be the one to kiss you first

I can't promise you always though
But I can promise you someday
Someday
I'll give you a love
Worthy of Valentine roses.