Negated

I don't want to feel right now. I don't want to think. I don't want to see.

I don't want to have to scrape hard to find my reality.

 

I want to be right. I don't want to do wrong.

But I especially do not want to be torn.

 

I want to be numb. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being fired before I've even been hired.

I want to succeed, but how and by who's definition of success?

 

I feel slighted by the things that have me delighted,

But I'm stuck between a rock and what I've plighted. 

 

I don't want to hear. I don't want to smell.

I don't want any sensory operations that only would tell.

 

I want to give up, but I know I can't.

I don't want a downhill spiral that I have no power to recant.

 

I want to be happy. I want to be self sufficient,

But I know this road will try me by way of hurdles that are reprovisioned.

 

I am a lover, and a fighter: a do-er, not a try-er.

I don't want to mechanize a defense.

 

I don't want to sit on this fence and not know which way to lean.

I want a balance of the sorts in between.

 

I know they say lead me not,

But I know it's not a temptation.

 

Having fallen short of the glory,

But somehow not of God has me held in contempt.

 

I don't want to refrain from telling my story. I don't want to be left

Mentally wasted imploringly.

 

I don't want to wish. I want to seek.

I don't want fatality in the reality of where I peek.

 

I want no stone left unturned in my efforts beseeched...

 

I find myself sometimes alone, head held in hand.

Sick to my stomach.

 

Emotionally regorged time and time again...

 

I don't want to see. I don't want to hear.

I don't want to smell the disgust of a heart rotting near.

 

I don't want to feel negated. I don't want to care.

I don't want to want what can never be fair.

 

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741