My Own Ocean

Thu, 05/09/2019 - 00:28 -- moeamor

I’m no stranger to hypotheticals,

What..If…

I’m even more familiar with disappointment.

Since I was first really able to understand that concept, I knew that I was

However, through time, I learned to forget and accept

The fact that it wasn’t meant to be

Some things just aren’t meant to be

It be like that sometimes huh

I’m happy with what I have, who I have in my life and those I meet down the road.

It doesn’t bother me.

Not having a father does not bother me.

I mean, why the hell should it?

I have a loving mother, who the hell needs a dad. I’m a strong woman, this shouldn’t affect me.

Like ocean waves cascading over my body, this too should wave with it

And every so often, it does. I find relief. Stability, and then comes the flood,

There’s no warning at all.

Year by year, candles lit in reverse factorial order, comes the flood

Then there’s an unexpected intermission and no more floods

Damage control is still in session and I find that each flood leaves a bigger impact than

Previously known

They look like you, sound like you and I fear that they’ll end up like you.

Inconsistent, Absent, Selfish and Pitiful are thoughts that cross my mind

And I know that a predetermined sentence is unjust                                  

Yet, I was never aware of the deeper treasures buried within this sea until I lived with one.

My partner in crime since age three carries the familiar scent of your ocean and,

I fear for what could be his demise.

Not knowing how vast your ocean was never hurt me

It didn’t… I know it didn’t…because how on earth I would not be able to feel such affection to

Those that look like you?

Passing waters whisper of the banality of my situation, telling me that this type of stuff happens

Like a violent storm, I strike, don’t tell me this is normal,

Don’t put me down because my situation offends you and your own circumstances.

Don’t speak about my pain as if you are me.

Don’t address my struggle because you have heard and “understand”

You don’t know me. You are not me.

You only “know” by the stories I tell you but you will never feel what I feel or know it on the level that I do.

You will never understand how far I’ve come to this point of convergence, this point where I have blown out my candles and taken control of my own tide.

These are my waves, heeding only to my calls of destruction or salvation.

I know the truth of myself and like your ocean which I am undoubtedly bound to, I traverse through conjoined oceans and learn that yours is not the only one.

 

 

Comments

moeamor

This is essentially my way of voicing thoughts that have echoed through my mind for a while. I don't kindly take to being vulnerable but I figured that this feeling, these thoughts weren't going to disappear on their own. 

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