To My Fear

I almost don't want to voice my opinion, because I like staying in the back of the mix, but it's hard to do. Straight from the mind, the mouth, of a transgendered person, this is honesty. I know that there are a lot of people going on about the bathroom laws right now. It's ridiculous we even have to get to laws for bathrooms. They're for elimination, but it generally doesn't stay at that. Gossip, vomiting, crying, rape, murder, etc. Things you'll most likely, in this century, find in the walls of bathrooms. People are posting the meme, about the rapist. Trying to mix it in with these laws. A rapist, who is a man, and someone who is transgender, don't fall into the same category, and even if it's made to better the judgement of hate and redirect the criticism of keeping transgender people in a specific bathroom, don't compare. Because he is a male, he is a rapist. We are not the same. Now,  recently, people are posting about the mass shooting and connecting the two. Saying how the last thing they want to hear about is how dangerous a transgender person is in bathroom now. And they're correct, because it's always the last thing on my mind. I hate myself, so you don't have to. I have enough hate in me for myself so everyone can leave me be, knowing its strong enough. I don't want to be me, I don't want to be like I am and I live with that everyday. I haven't been able to make peace with myself and love myself, yet. But I hope I can eventually. I just wanted to put this out there, so people can see this side of things. From someone who is transgender. The last thing on my mind in the bathroom is: you. I do not want contact with anyone in there. I fear you. I am scared to be there. I feel threatened. I feel in danger, not you. You should be ashamed to feel such resentment towards someone you don't even know, because I am in the one in danger, not you. I feel ashamed I am afraid of you and that is embarrassing to say, but I am. So don't dare make it about your safety, because you are the last thing on my mind, I promise you that. Being misgendered, being raped, being beaten, being murdered, slandered, assaulted, accused, uncertain, hated, dehumanised, alone. Fear. These are what I am thinking about when all I have to do is pee, but I all wanted to have to do was get groceries. Or get McDonald's, get cat food, my car fixed, an outfit, take my husband lunch, take my daughter to the park, etc. I have a family I love, very much. So yeah, you are the last thing on my mind when I just have to use the bathroom, and don't even want to need to use one in public because I am so afraid for my safety and wondering if this time, is going to be the last time I walk in one and don't get to go home to my family because of who I am. I am sure people have reasons to fear what they won't know or understand, but understand this. I know you have your own fears and your own needs and expectations, but so do I. Don't fear me, in the bathroom, because my fear is actually greater than yours, I promise you that. And honestly, that is the last on my mind, anyway. I just have to pee. 


Silent, Reluntant, Human. 



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