Dear J,

I told myself I would forgive &

Take the weight of your world

Off my shoulders,

But the soft consonants of your name

Are too hard

For my lips to shape.

The sun rises and you still exist,

Simply to remind me of who I was &

Who I will never escape.

Though the time on our clocks has been brought forward

& pushed back

You are the same.

A literal embodiment of my sixth grade yearbook:

“Never change”

 

You once told me you were empty.

& I tried to fill you,

With old books & sweetly scented candles

Hand written letters paired with warm cocoa

I didn’t know

It wasn’t my actions that were filling you.

It was my soul.

The late night laughter hid your true spirit

With manipulation as your sidekick

You drained my reservoir.

So forgive me, if I shiver at the sight of you.

-El